September 02, 2003

*What Do You Know About the Human Penis?

About the human penis...

Warning: you do not want to read this post. Trust me on this one.

(But if you do, let me know if you finish it.)

The physiology of erections was not understood until recently. Some theories were that gassy foods caused a buildup of gas in the penis. Thirteenth century physician Albert the Great thought lustful thoughts generated heat in the testicles which turned into steam, causing the penis to expand like a hot air balloon.

Roman writer Martial once wrote, "When you hear clapping in the baths, you know some moron with a giant dick has arrived."

Numerous surveys have been conducted on penis size, but few of them reach any consensus of "normal" size.

Many methods of increasing size have been used throughout history:

In 1503, explorer Amerigo Vespucci reported that native women made poisonous lizards bite their husbands' penises. This method was often successful, but occasionally an infected penis would burst. Other cultures have tried bees.

A Guyana recipe for penis enlargement involved a split eggplant and various ingredients (e-mail me if you want them)...the mixture was put on the erect penis which was then encased in the eggplant. The mixture inflamed the penis and temporarily increased the size.

Penis pulling was reported in the 1770s to be common in Russia, with nurses pulling the penises of newborn babies to lengthen them.

Some northern Ugandan tribesmen hung stones from their penises. Stretching a penis too long can make it impossible to obtain an erection, so don't try that at home.

There is a Taoist art of body control called chi kung, and the men attempt to reach sexual nirvana by lifting heavy weights with their penises. A coat hanger-like device is attached to the base of the penis and fitted with weights. They then work out with swinging and lifting motions, and some are able to lift 250 lbs 2 feet off the floor.

In 1989 an Indian man attached his penis to a car and pulled the car as a protest against rising oil prices.

The earliest recorded circumcision was in Egypt in 2300 B.C. It possibly developed as a male complement to female puberty. The onset of womanhood was marked by menstrual bleeding, so perhaps the men wanted something similar. This idea is supported in that nearly all tribal circumcisions are performed on young teen boys.

Most circumcisions involve only the removal of the foreskin, but some Arab ceremonies would remove all the skin on the penis of a boy at puberty. If the boy cried out, he was killed.

Sometimes circumcision includes subincision, which is the slitting of the underside of the penis. The cut can be half an inch long or along the entire length of the penis, depending on culture. One Aboriginal tribe would slice the penis in half to look like the tribe's totem animal...a lizard with a bifurcated penis.

In Burma men would often cut open their penises and insert small bells. Men in Malaysia used metal balls. Japanese used pearls. In Sumatra the men used small stones. All of these objects were meant to increase the females' pleasure.

Back to Burma...the more bells you had, the better lover you were thought to be. The noise would announce your presence. The best gift the king could offer was one of his own bells. It would, of course, have to be cut out and then presented to the lucky recipient.

If you've made it this far, good for you. I present the last fact about the human penis: although it has no bone, the penis can in fact snap if treated roughly. The corpora cavernosa (two blood tubes in the penis shaft) can break with a loud cracking sound if mistreated. Surgery should effectively repair the damage, but I wouldn't recommend trying it.

Source: Sex: A User's Guide, Stephen Arnott.

Posted by Jennifer at September 2, 2003 02:26 AM


I didn't read it at all.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at September 2, 2003 02:43 AM

Trusted me, eh?

Posted by: Jennifer at September 2, 2003 02:45 AM


Posted by: Jeff at September 2, 2003 05:25 AM

Nope, didn't even try. Why couldn't you post a happy-penis article?

Posted by: Ted at September 2, 2003 09:16 AM

"Happy-penis article" will probably be next week.

Posted by: Jennifer at September 2, 2003 09:18 AM

I think Jeff read it :)

Posted by: Pixy Misa at September 2, 2003 10:41 AM


Posted by: Pete at September 2, 2003 11:02 AM

Jeff and Pete. I WARNED you. Specifically said you don't want to read it. So it is your own fault.

Posted by: Jennifer at September 2, 2003 11:12 AM

Let me beat my head against the cool cool concrete for a few minutes to get rid of the really really disturbing visuals.......


Posted by: dave at September 2, 2003 11:32 AM

Jennifer, as God is my witness, I will trust you next time.

Some dude named Martial didn't really write that, did he?

Posted by: Victor at September 2, 2003 03:09 PM

I should have been warned to shoot tequila first. Lots of it.

"Excuse me, your thing is ringing"


Posted by: ....a moment with Easycure at September 2, 2003 03:38 PM

My problem is that I can never have sex (or at least, remember having it) because I have a rare condition called psuedophallusitis.

Y'see, the penis become erect when blood engourges the corpora cavernosa. But, when this happens to me, it sucks in enough blood to extend it to about three feet in length, I get light-headed, and then pass out.
While on a few occassions I've remained unconconscious for up to two or three hours, I'll usually come to after just a few minutes if the girl would just leave the damn thing alone.

Not really. But I like to tell that story to people in bars! :P

Posted by: Tuning Spork at September 2, 2003 06:51 PM


Martial quote.

"Excuse me, your thing is ringing." LOL

Bob, you might have mentioned that before I set a date for the wedding!

Posted by: Jennifer at September 2, 2003 09:53 PM

Ooops, sorry. My bad!! :/

Posted by: Tuning Spork at September 2, 2003 11:10 PM

BTW; "become"=becomes and "unconconscious"=unconscious.
I'm as bad as Frnak sometimes!

Posted by: Tuning Spork at September 2, 2003 11:14 PM

I noticed the 'unconconscious' and figured with that much blood flow, you needed the extra syllable to describe it.

Should call the Latin Police on you though for that horrible mistreatment of a dead language... necrolexography?

Posted by: Ted at September 3, 2003 06:28 AM

Dear God, where do you find that stuff? So that Detachable Penis song wasn't that far off then?

Posted by: Bill at September 4, 2003 12:40 PM

Made it. Barely. I second the motion on the "happy penis" post.

Posted by: Harvey at September 5, 2003 09:39 AM

Just curious:

Anyone know if the guy pulling a car with his penis thing made anyone drop gas prices?

Posted by: El Butcho at November 3, 2003 11:47 AM