October 24, 2003

You Asked, Blackfive Answers

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen...the Blackfive interview!

Click the extended to read his thoughts on Leg Rangers, Frank J's man-love for Glenn Reynolds, and all the other questions you asked.

Is your friend Joe married?

Yes. But volunteering to go to Iraq caused some real problems at home. He is supposed to be back here this week or next week. I'll know more about his status later. He is a good human being and has saved my ass in a few brawls. In other words, he's a really nice guy but slightly dangerous and unpredictable. Chicks dig him.

Do you have any single friends to hook me up with?

Depends on who's asking. Yes. Lots. Both kinds, country and western. Come to Chicago.

If you could be a sea creature, what would you be?

Pacific White-Sided Dolphin. They get to go really fast, jump high in the air, eat all of the time, and have lots of sex--well, I made up the sex part. Sounds better, though, doesn't it?

Describe your wardrobe in 5 words.

My wife helps me coordinate.


Polo. Tommy Bahama. Nordstrom. Bjorn.

What do you look like? Are there any pictures of you online that I can find?

Average looking Irishman. I'm 5'11" 215 pounds brown hair, green eyes. I have been told that I look sort of like Russell Crowe on a bad day--that or a drunk Pilsbury Doughboy.

There are pictures of me on my site. Either in the photo blog or at my only post on guns. I am also the guy in the Superman t-shirt in the cubicle hurdles mpeg that floats around the internet.

Why do you drink 6 beers at once?


Are you kidding? Actually, at places like Wrigley Field, I order two at a time so that I don't have to wait on the beer guy to come back around to my
section. If there is a good bar tender or waiter/waitress, I don't order more than one round. And I always tip a lot to ensure that my glass is never empty.

Why are you always getting Harvey and Madfish Willie in trouble?

I really like hanging out with those guys. They are a lot of fun but aren't too bright (well, Harvey is really bright but I think he just wants to be baaaadddd). I was always the kid that instigated trouble but never got caught.

If you could beat the living crap out of only one person, would it be MacDiva/JadeGold, Michael Moore, George Clooney, or the kid who stole your lunch (or lunch money) in the second grade, and why?

Alec Baldwin. Damn, I would love to just have a few minutes to pummel the crap out of him. Really. You know where I can find him?

But since he is not on the list, I would kick Michael Moore's fat ass because he is smart enough to sound logical to some people and that makes him more
dangerous than the others. MD/JG just needs attention. George Clooney is an Asshat but not as bad as MM.

As for the kid that stole my lunch in the second grade, well, no kid wanted my lunch. My mom was a hippie so I had all of the natural stuff. No cup
cakes or ho-ho's or fruit roll ups for me. All natural peanut butter. Blech!!! Couldn't even get a trade going!

So, is there any truth to the rumor that you are actually an immigrant French florist named Cinq Noir?

Mon dieu, sacre bleu! Quel abruti a posé cette question? Je battrai son âne!

Who would win between a French monkey and a North Korean monkey in an old fashioned monkey knife fight?

Easy question.

A North Korean monkey, while handicapped by having a poofy hair-do, would win easily because the French monkey would surrender and go back to making Renaults.

What was your most interesting inanimate-target-shooting experience?

My best friend in the Army, Crazy Andy Danwin, had this old Pontiac Bonneville with a skull mounted on the dashboard and an angel for a hood ornament. It
was forest green, old and rusty. The roof had an arrow painted on it and pointed towards the front of the car. It had the word "Destiny" written in front
of it. It had "character", just like Andy.

Andy and I took some friends out shooting in Virginia with some new weapons. We pulled up to this impromptu range on a friend's farm and parked Andy's car right behind us.

I just bought a .357 Magnum and had pachy grips on it. It was SWWEEEEET. I couldn't miss with that pistol. We were having a blast taking turns with each other's new purchases.

At one point, my friends had planned a joke on Andy. When the signal was given, we all turned around and started shooting holes in Andy's car. He freaked at first, then starting pouring lead into his own car with his new .45. His HydroShock rounds almost went through both doors. I put a few bullets through the rear quarter panel and just missed the gas tank. The old Pontiac was riddled with holes. Amazingly, no glass was broken.

You should have seen the look on the face of the gate guard when we pulled onto Bolling Air Force Base (where we were stationed). He definitely wondered
what the hell happened to us.

Andy kept the Bonneville for a year or two after that. He loved that damn car.

Leg Rangers, Blackfive, Leg Rangers. Should they be permitted to exist?

"If I were President and had my way, There wouldn't be a "leg" in the Army today."
- 82nd Airborne running cadence

Absolutely not! No way! No how!

Ah, this one is probably from Donnie. I hate "Legs" like Frank J. hates monkeys. "Leg" means non-Airborne qualified personnel. I have no idea why someone would be a Ranger and not Airborne qualified. Going through
Airborne School is a cake walk compared to Ranger School. What's the point of being a Ranger if you can't be airdropped behind the lines?

Anyway, I thought the Army stopped the Leg Ranger nonsense years ago.

Frank J has gone on record as thinking you make up all your stories. How do you respond?

You know, back in 1991, General Colin Powell accused me of being a liar. Then I beat the snot out of him with my belt. To this day, he won't talk to me. You know where I can find Frank J.?

Why would you want to join the Alliance of someone who thinks you're a liar?

He promised me one meeeelion dollars. Honest. Oh, and all the beer at Madfish Willie's.

If you could kill or incapacitate any blogger and take over their blog without anyone knowing, who would it be and what would you do to the blog?

Well, at first I was going to say Howard Dean. I would put up messages like "I, Howard Dean, am a Monkey. Viva le France!"

But, now, after the last two questions, I think I will incapacitate Frank J. I would start with photoshopping some pics of Howard Dean, John Kerry, Nancy Pelosi, and Michael Moore in Nuke the Moon shirts for the photo gallery. Then I would declare Frank's undying manly love for Glenn Reynolds and end the feud between them.

Who is the most under-rated blogger you know?

Good question. Let me explain. No, there is not enough time. Let me sum up:

There is a lot of good stuff over at Munuvia. I like Angelweave the most. Mr. Green has a lot of potential. I know him personally and have heard his awesome verbal rants. I also account for one of his five visitors. He just needs to get those rants down on "paper". Don Watkins writes really good stuff but would be better if he could just get laid once in awhile--and lay off of the philosophy--and drink more.

I also check out Sanity's Edge. Paul kills me. He is the Hemingway (corpse) that Bill wants to screw--literally.

Anyway, I usually visit every site on my blogroll at least twice per day. I like those blogs a lot.

The most over-rated?

Bloviating Inanitities. Just kidding, Bill! Couldn't help it.

My blog. Seriously. I get emails where folks lop me in with Frank and Misha and say that I am one of the big guys. Are you kidding? Honestly, what are you
thinking? It's a crappy little blog that I wish I could spend more time working on to make it better. It's just that it takes third place to my family and friends, and work.

Please describe a moment of pure terror in your life.

When I was ten, two model citizens pulled a switch-blade on me and my youngest brother who was five. We were walking around the neighborhood after
church and got mugged on a Sunday afternoon in broad daylight.

The scary part was that they said they wouldn't stab me. They were going to stab my little five year old brother if I didn't give them all of my money. At ten
(or any age for that matter), I wasn't ready for that kind of fear. Or responsibility.

Pure joy.

I am the luckiest bastard that you ever met. I am in a really good place in my life right now. Great wife. Wonderful job. Surrounded with friends and family.
Plenty of scotch behind the bar. Sometimes I feel guilty because I have it so good.

But what makes me gets tears of joy in my eyes is when I come home from work and my two-and-half year old son hears me open the front door and comes running into my arms yelling, "Daddy!"

That's heaven.

Posted by Jennifer at October 24, 2003 12:27 AM


I'm enjoying these interviews. It's really quite interesting to learn more about the bloggers one reads. A bit of insight into the person behind the blog.

Thanks for doing this.

Posted by: Jon Henke at October 24, 2003 06:39 AM

Thanks, Jon. Going to sign up? ;-)

Posted by: Jennifer at October 24, 2003 07:28 AM

"I have no idea why someone would be a Ranger and not Airborne qualified"

Are you kidding, Matty? I don't even go on the FERRIS WHEEL, man...me and heights have an aversion to each other.

- D

Posted by: Donnie at October 24, 2003 12:42 PM

Just reinterating what Jon said. I enjoy the interviews. It's a great idea.

Posted by: Ross at October 24, 2003 12:55 PM

Sign up? I'm game. Sign me up.

What would I have to do, once I am signed up?
And what am I signing up for?

Posted by: Jon Henke at October 24, 2003 08:28 PM

Great job. Loved it. Two very enthusiastic thumbs up!

Okay, I'll stop now.

Posted by: margi at October 24, 2003 10:55 PM

Thanks, Ross and Margi.

Jon, you'd be signing up for an interview...questions submitted by readers. Still game?

Posted by: Jennifer at October 26, 2003 04:45 PM

I'm still game. I won't contend that I'm interesting enough to be worth an interview, but I'm game.

Let me know when I should be expecting the Barbara Walters special.

Posted by: Jon Henke at October 26, 2003 06:29 PM

Did Blackfive ever track down those two "model citizens" and beat the everloving piss out of them?

Posted by: Tom at January 27, 2004 08:15 AM

I enjoyed visiting but I am not sure if I could live here, tired old Army Veteran that I am. I enjoyed the interview and have raised three kids past the age of eighteen so I understand about the great feeling of being called Dad. (now if I can survive getting them through college)I think I will explore some more and let ya'll get on with things.

Posted by: Al at November 15, 2004 04:51 AM