You Asked, J Fielek Answers

Josh Fielek has answered your questions!

Excellent interview, please click the extended to read about his thoughts on Barbra Streisand meeting ancient torture devices...plus a lot of other things.

Thanks, Josh--well done!

You said Jess will bare her breasts if you top the 2000 mark for daily hits. That includes nipples, right?

Yes. What else did you think I meant by ‘bare’? Unfortunately, we missed the submission deadline for the boobie-thon for the Susan G. Komen Foundation, so this is my self-serving alternative. And Jess volunteered.

Tell the truth, you really liked the Howard Dean thong, didn't you? And where can I get one?

I like thongs in general (I am a guy, after all), but consider this scenario –

You’ve gone to dinner, the movie, and finally, you’ve got her back to your place. A little kissing, a little touching, things are getting warmer and warmer, and you’re feeling lucky. She’s let you unbutton her blouse and her bra is a forgotten remnant hanging loosely by its straps. You place your hand on her knee, nudging her back on the couch with firm kisses. She moans lightly as you kiss her neck and cautiously slide your hand up her thigh. Her legs part, just a little, and you slide a little higher. You can feel her heat against your palm as you lightly touch her mound. You gently slip her knees apart and kiss your way down, unzipping her skirt and sliding it down. You kiss past the breasts, to the navel, across the sexy tummy. She lifts her hips to let you slip the skirt to the floor. You slide your hands around and feel her firm, bare buttocks – you can do that, she’s wearing a thong, you’ve discovered. You move a little lower and nuzzle her thighs. You open your eyes and look up to see the magnificent view offered from between her luscious legs and see “HOWARD DEAN FOR PRESIDENT!”

It’s enough to make Rob Smith’s Robotic Penis go soft.

Ask Howard Dean for one, if you want one. Preferably at a Press Conference.

What advice would you give to someone about to be married?

Listen to your new spouse. It goes both ways – and a lot of time problems that can’t be solved just yet can be handled for the immediate time by getting them into the open.

For the Wedding, Groom-Boy, sit back and relax. The Bride and her mother will handle a lot. Offer to help, but let them lead.

Bride-Girl, at least ask your groom for his input. Let a few of his decisions stand.

And be sure to get the Bridal Suite with the trapeze. It makes all the difference.

Who is your greatest literary influence?

There are several

Stephen King is the most versatile writer I’ve ever read. Nightmares and Dreamscapes has not only the horror stories, but a beautiful homage to Little League baseball written originally for the New Yorker. King can write as well or better than any one out there, without the unnecessary purple prose of the artsy set. He is the epitome of a storyteller.

Robert Heinlein is not only a superb storyteller, but he’s a truly free thinker. He has a libertarian bent, which makes for a good political read, and he’s usually ready to address the hard questions through some unusual approaches, to illustrate a point. He’s fun to read. Starship Troopers, The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, and Stranger in a Strange Land should be on anyone’s must-read list for the questions they ask and address about relationships, government, and service.

William Shakespeare sounds clichéd as a literary influence, but on a bet from the school librarian, I read all of his plays in eighth grade, and although the language was sometimes over my head, I got a big kick out of them. It took me a few more years before I realized how strong of an influence Shakespeare had on language and literature, and that got me to re-read the plays and finally read the sonnets. I never fawned and quoted like in the movies, but I did learn a lot about pacing and use of language from the sonnets and plays.

Are you looking forward to the next Star Wars movie? Do you think George Lucas has time to redeem himself?

George Lucas can rot in Hell (Hmmmm… new subject for a Conversation with God!).

Okay, not really. I think he needs to spend some time off of Skywalker Ranch with adults, however. George, you need to spend some time away from the 400 adoptees with someone old enough to appreciate liquor and cigars.

Seriously, I think Lucas fell off the wagon when he settled for Ewoks over Wookies for Return of the Jedi. I know it’s hard to find 4000 extras over two meters tall, but come on, George, use your imagination. And Jar Jar Binks? Great, George, just Great. Wasn’t Willow punishment enough?

That aside, yeah, I am geek enough to be looking forward to Episode III. I have to see where George is taking things. Episode II was pretty decent, way better than Episode I, but it dragged and Natalie Portman was fully clothed (although scantily, at least). The love scenes were trite and just not well executed, and too damn long.

Is that elephant still haunting you?

Shhh… he might hear you.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Tough question. I think it would be Colorado or Utah, somewhere in the West. I’m a native Texan, and I love the West.

You win the lottery. What is the very first thing you do? What is the first thing you buy?

Assuming it’s for millions, the first thing I do is quit my day job. The first thing I buy is a Mercedes SLK for Jessica. Then move West.

How did the impromptu bloggers bash in Norfolk go? Was it so horrible you couldn't blog about it? Is Bill as funny in person as he is on his blog?

It collapsed of midweek weight. It just didn’t come together because of people needing to work. It’ll be moved to a weekend in the next few weeks.

Like a lot of bloggers, your blog seemed to start out with an Instapundit feel to it. When do you think you found your own style?

When I gave up linking. I jammed on links for a while and finally put all that aside when the site became Quibbles-n-Bits. At that point, since I was using almost all-original material, I gained my own style. It’s evolving, as everything does. I have never been one to follow a fashion – Instapundit, IMAO, and Scrappleface are all cool sites and all have a degree of influence, but I like to think that Quibbles-n-bits has its own flavor.

Looking at the American political climate, do you think the 2004 election is going to continue the trend to the right? Why or why not?

The right drift is actually a drift back to the middle. From the 1940s until Reagan, the country was sliding to the left. In the seventies, it slid to far left and the people had to start running to the right to bring back the balance.

If you could tell George W. Bush one thing, what would it be?

Good question. I think I would have to ask him a question -- “Mr. Bush, where do I apply for a license to kill?”

Okay, for real, I’d tell him we need to trim back some of the domestic spending and cut the pork. All over the place, too, not just in the social programs. But I still want a license to kill.

If you could secretly kidnap and torture one "world leader" who would it be and what would you do to him or her? Would you leave them alive or dead?

Barbra Streisand would be my choice, and I’d torment her with hours and hours of the Ramones, The Sex Pistols, The Clash, and other punk bands. Then I’d make her listen to Bob Dole campaign speeches for a few hours. That’s torture for any living being. Next, I’d set a little imp sitting in her ear whispering the fall of the Democrats repeatedly, along the lines of the advisor before the Caesars’ who would whisper “Remember thou art mortal,” just to keep the fall of the Democrats and the rightward swing of the nation on her mind. After that, I don’t know; maybe subject her to re-runs of Reagan speeches, Gingrich speeches, and other right wing political stuff, right up until her head explodes.

I prefer intellectual and emotional torment versus physical torment.

If the speeches didn’t kill her, though, I’d flay her and dip her in boiling salt water. Then I’d hang her from a pike in the town square. Full impalement, from ”cod to sternum,” as the English described it, or in Curly’s terms, neck to nuts.

Otherwise – I’ve always thought breaking to the wheel was a fiercely frightening punishment. What it involves in breaking the limbs between the joints and weaving them into the spokes of a wagon wheel.

Drawing and quartering is too nice, too quick. There is another punishment that I can’t recall the name for, but it consists of seating the subject on the sharp edge of a triangular board and affixing weights to the subject’s legs. The board then slowly rips into the victim at the sensitive juncture, driving between the buttocks and mutilating the genitalia. It’s a slow, painful way to go. They victims usually died of sepsis, not injury.

When I give up on the intellectual, I get brutal. Or at least I have some brutal fantasies.

What was the worst moment of your life? Did it change you?

Worst moment? Probably when my Dad died in late 2000. I was going through a relatively brutal divorce and he was succumbing to cancer. He was not coherent for the latter few months, and seeing him at Thanksgiving a few days before he died was not a good thing. My father was a man with a rapier wit, and an intuitive understanding of all things mechanical and technical. The last few months of his life he was dying from a brain tumor, metastasized from his lung cancer (small cell carcinoma, less than 5% five year survival rate). It took away his intellect, and his strength.

The lung cancer had been there for three years, and even chemo and radiation therapy hadn’t sapped my father’s strength. The initial carcinoma was reduced and apparently eliminated, but the cancer returned and spread. He got three years after the initial diagnosis. It was only the last three months that he was in bad shape – not truly coherent, at first, then degrading to physical and mental disability.

He had a morphine breather that was used to inhale a specific formulation of morphine and a few other drugs to ease his breathing, and I helped him with it a few times. He was on oxygen as well, and my mother’s house looked more like a hospital for a while than a suburban home.

And yeah, it changed me. I can’t specify how, but I have definitely had less of an affinity for working for other folks since then. The divorce is over, I’ve remarried to a wonderful woman, and I’m looking at getting off my ass and getting my writing career going so I can live my life by my rules. I have a five-year plan that should have me in good fettle by 2009.

BTW, here's an homage to my father.

What was the best?

There are too many to pick one best. Here’s the top three --

1. The day I married Jessica.
2. The first day I got published anywhere.
3. This one. I was on the road for a month, alone, with the skies above me and America at my feet. The singular best moment happened on this day, when I took this photo. At that moment, I was 2000 miles form home, with three days of travel beneath my belt, another month ahead with no particular destination in mind, a great motorcycle, camping and cooking gear so I could stop whenever and where ever the whim took me. I was smack dab in the middle of the greatest, freest nation on earth, and I was happy.

Those three things measure well the three major components of life – Love, Work, and Play.

Posted by Jennifer at October 27, 2003 08:09 AM

Tweet