October 31, 2003

You Asked, Bill Answers

The ever-fabulous and never-patient Bill Cimino has answered your questions!

Click it...you know you want to.

If you could trade lives with anyone for 24 hours, who would you choose, and

Someone who is in a coma. I'm exhausted and could use the rest.

If you could be any other blogger for one day, who would you choose?

You. I always wondered what it would be like to have boobs. I wouldn't
blog either. I'd just sit there topless all day touching them.

Why did you just look at your watch?

Because you people bore me to death and I can't wait to get out of here.

Do you still think Frank J is the most over-rated blogger? I mean, hasn't
everyone gotten over him by now anyway?

I guess not. I mean he's funny and all but man, the typos. The new most
over-rated blogger is VodkaPundit. He writes some inane crap every three
days and still gets a million hits. It's enough to make me want to throw my
blog out the damn window.

Are the rumors that you are a closet Indymedia moderator true?

Yes but it's not my fault. It's because of them damn

Is it better to have places like Indymedia where the bent can gather or to
have those people diffused into society?

I have no idea what that question means. Bent? Diffused? But I'll take a
crack at it anyway. I think they should go where everybody knows their
names. Hopefully all their names are "Norm" because it's fun yelling that
name out when you're in a bar and your hammered.

The Blogosphere seems unable to remove Rachel Lucas from its collective
blogroll, despite her apparent retirement. Why is this?

She's retired? Holy crap! Wait a minute. I just checked her site and
she's just taking a break, you liar. I will never, ever, never take her off
my blog roll even if she gets hit by a minivan or something because she is a
friend and has done more for me than any other blogger. She singlehandedly
set up my website. Hell, she still has access to it and can blog as me if
she wanted. And just between you and me, some days I suck so bad I wish she
would. I would just wake up one morning and there would be this great post
there that I didn't write but of course would take credit for. So the
answer is - because she's hot.

Is John Collins really living alone among Haitians, or is he just afraid to
admit to his "problem"?

He's among the Haitians. And they are some scary people with that voodoo
they do. Remember that movie with all the Haitians in it and zombies all
dancing around to those drums and then I think some spiders hatched out that
lady's face. Man, that was scary. Anyway, poor John is now one of the
living dead and as everyone knows, the living dead can't blog. Except for

Which bloggers, if any, are influential to you?

You mean who influences me? Can you people write a sentence that I can
understand? If that's what your asking, I guess the usual - Lileks,
Michele, I can't believe I'm about to say this but...Frank J. Damnit, I
can't believe I just did that. I would also say Paul at Sanity's Edge but
he's a jackass so nevermind him.

What's with all the crap on your blog? You have crappy posts, crappy
choices in your polls, etc. Do you run a crappy blog?

Do you really need to ask? Are you a moron? That's the stupidest question
I ever been asked. The answer is yes. I started out trying not to be
crappy but it all ended up as crap so I finally said to myself - Self, why
fight it? Just go with it. You were made to post crap. Plus, crap is one
of my favorite words. I'm also fond of the word bukkake.

What is the derivation of the word "bloviating"?

The Latins first used this word in it's original form "bloviatae" in 473 AD
when they were arguing in the Senate and Senator Dashulus Minimus was all
whining about "tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of the Latins" and
"no blood for meade" and one of the Republican senators told him to stop
with the "bloviatum" and then wacked him with one of those metal wine

Would you give up your penis for a Hall Of Fame baseball career?

Are you out of you friggin' mind? I wouldn't give up Mr. Sparkles if you
made me rich, immortal and gave me the hall of fame career. I would think
about giving up a testicle though, if I could be paid to blog. So, if
enough of you go to my site and hit the tip jar and I get Andrew Sullivan
type cash, I'll lop off a nut. Promise.

When you majored in History in college, what was your favorite area of
study? (American, European, Ancient, etc?)

I hated Ancient history. All those Mesopotamiacs and Visigarths. I could
never keep track of them. I really hated that Egyptian crap too. Who
cares? It's a bunch of dead guys in gauze. I guess I like American history
most because we rule, but I thought the part about Germany and Italy
becoming nations was really interesting. Although Germany becoming a nation
didn't turn ou to be such a great idea after all. And the Italians are
useless. So forget all that European crap and let's go with American
history for $300, Alex.

If Jimmy Carter were President today, where would we be?

In a smouldering hole.

Be honest--how many dead mammals have you really found in your pool?

Just two. The possum and then a baby rabbit in the skimmer. And one live
frog but I don't think frogs are mammals. I also threw my father-in-law in
the pool once but he didn't die.

Does the revelation that Marie Osmond had problems with depression make her
a) even cuter; or, b) even more repulsive?

Is she the "little bit country" one or the "little bit rock and roll" one?
I get them mixed up. Anyhoo, she is niether cute nor repulsive. She's
Marie Osmond. What do I think of her? I don't.

If you could kill 3 people and get away with it, who would they be and why?

Yassar Arafat because he's a murderous thug. And he's really ugly. Kim
Jong-Il...ditto. He deserves to die just for the poofy hair. And Yoko Ono.
I don't need a reason to kill her.

Besides Sweet Alice, who are the hottest chicks you know?

Do I have to know them? If so, what fun is that because you won't know
them. But if that's your question, I'd say my friends Maria and Janet.
Happy? If you just mean anybody, I'd say Carmen Electra although she
totally ruined it for me when she married Dennis Rodman. Why, God, why????

Who is the most repulsive? Me? Seriously.

You? God no. It's without question Helen Thomas. I have tuned out of
White House press conferences because of that thing she calls a face.

What is the best thing someone has ever done for you?

Alice married me.

Posted by Jennifer at October 31, 2003 08:37 AM


Damn, that was a great interview. It was so good I think you should do another one. I also think Bill is dreamy.

Posted by: Not Bill at October 31, 2003 08:57 AM

If Bill wants to do another one, he can sign back up, I suppose. But yes, this was a terrific interview. :-)

Posted by: Jennifer at October 31, 2003 08:59 AM

He is dreamy and damn funny!

Posted by: Alice at October 31, 2003 09:59 AM

I am, aren't I?

Posted by: Bill at October 31, 2003 10:15 AM

Very Billesque! Which means, enjoyable-in-a-gawking-at-a-car-accident-kind-of-way...

Posted by: Susie at October 31, 2003 10:42 AM

Bill - Are you giving comedy lessons? Can I sign up for a few? Or is it just that you're funny in your interview because it gives you a chance to write in a different style than you normally do at your blog?

Oh, and did you *have* to mention Helen Thomas?

Posted by: Harvey Olson at October 31, 2003 10:42 AM

Harsh, Harv--way harsh!

Posted by: Susie at October 31, 2003 10:46 AM

Are you saying my blog isn't funny, Harvey?

And Susie, I'm going to take that as a compliment.

Posted by: Bill at October 31, 2003 12:33 PM

Wow Bill, that was actually a pretty good interview. I'm with Harvey, how come the blog isn't like this?

Posted by: Wind Rider at October 31, 2003 02:00 PM

Wow, I clicked on Bill's interview and a little pop-up window for AOL appeared too. There's a message there I think.

Posted by: Ted at October 31, 2003 02:07 PM

That was Bill?!

Dammit, I thought this was Frank J.'s interview.

Posted by: Blackfive at October 31, 2003 04:00 PM

Great interview. He did say that Rachel Lucas had access to his blog, didn't he? Feh.

Posted by: Parkway Rest Stop at November 1, 2003 07:24 PM