November 03, 2003

You Asked, Helen Answers

The lovely Helen has answered your questions!

Click it and learn the top reason why you should move to Sweden, as well as her thoughts on shaving vs. waxing, Coke vs. Pepsi, and more importantly...Colin Firth vs. John Cusack.

How did you end up living in Sweden?

No extradition laws. And there is no such thing as “life in prison” here.

Wait! Wrong answer. Actually, it’s because I was flying over here for business two weeks out of every month, and I figured it was best to just up and move. That, and I have always been desperate to get out and about and see the big world.

If I moved to Sweden, would I still have to hear about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez? In other words, is pop culture different there?

God yes. That’s a blessing about living here-no Bennifer. How is it that you all haven’t ganged up and just killed Ben and Jen yet? I never hear about it here and I’m ALREADY sick of it. We get a blip of celebrity news every now and then, but ordinarily, the news is strictly that-news. Produced by ugly people.

How many languages do you speak?

Three and a half. English, Swedish, French, and I used to speak Russian but she be gone now. Impressed yet?

If you had to stay in one town for the rest of your life, where would it be?

Wouldn’t happen. I am not one for holding still. There are a lot of towns I truly enjoy-Sydney, London, San Francisco, and Mahe, but I couldn’t just stay in one place.

If you could have breakfast with 3 people from Ireland, who would they be and why?

Colin Farrell, James Joyce, and Kenneth Brannagh. Mostly, because I want to see who can hold their liquor the best and which of them is the biggest conceited ass. OK, I know Joyce is dead. But not like I will be having breakfast with any of them anyway.

Except Farrell or Brannagh. But then again, I am nothing if not an accommodating host the morning after.

You have to pick...Colin Firth or John Cusack?

John Cusack. No question. Simply because he can not only act, but he co-wrote “Grosse Point Blank”, and anyone that can come up with the idea of a union for hit men must be worshipped.

What are your five favorite movies and why?

“Grosse Point Blank”-absolutely brilliant and still makes me laugh.
“Fifth Element”-I find it so outrageously refreshing. That, and I love Luc Besson.
“Sense and Sensibility”-a Chick Flick with brains.
“Lord of the Rings”-I admit it. I was duly impressed. Confess that the books kind of bored me, since there were too many songs and hobbits related to hobbits.
The fifth? Probably “Goodfellas” or “The Godfather”. It’s a toss-up. I love mob films.

Waxing or shaving?

Depends on the area. My beaver? Waxing. My legs/underarms? Shaving only, please. My enemies? Both.

If you were to get another tattoo, what would it look like and where would it go?

It would be in the middle of my back, and would likely be something not of the Japanese persuasion this time. I think a lizard, a sun, or something like that. Could even go Celtic and make my ancestors happy.

How tall are you?

I’m 5”9. And I love heels.

Can one ever have enough socks?

No. And they must have funny characters on them. Plain black socks are for plain people. I want cartoons, dammit!

Coke or Pepsi?

Coke. Diet please. But Fanta if you have it (or any orange soda will do).

What's your favorite salad dressing?

Actually, none. I don’t like dressings. I think it comes from watching that Schoolhouse Rocks cartoon “Don’t Drown Your Food”, which no one seems to remember but me, so maybe it’s a fixation of my “I want to be thin” imagination. (“Don’t drown your food….in ketchup or mayo or goo…yuck, it’s no fun to eat what you can’t even see!) Maybe that’s why I obsess about trimming the minge so much….hmmmm…

Are these questions inane enough?!

Knowing some of the people that read me, I suspect they could be worse. Ironically, I notice they are suited to fit my blog topics. But come on darlings-I not only have a lot of sex, I am SMART, too.

My question is: why can't I get a date?

Sweet pea, maybe you aren’t asking the right questions when you are trying to chat them up. Be yourself. And if you aren’t very interesting, pretend to be someone else. Or, you could always pay her more by the hour.

And the fifth head on Mount Rushmore is......?

Don’t you mean “would be” (what are you trying to do? Trip me up?)? My money’s on Tony Blair (he’s more American than I am sometimes, I think). Or Walt Disney.

Which people in your life have been most influential to you and why?

Tough one. My grandfather is a definite-he loved me sincerely and without cessation, until his death. Kim, the first big love of my life, who taught me how to breathe. The second love of my life, Mr. Y, who then taught me how to fly and how to be myself. Jim Henson, since the muppets basically raised me. And I owe a lot to my Mom. The going has been rough sometimes, but I love her and get my independence from her.

Who is the sexiest muppet?

Don. No wait! He’s not a muppet. Knee-jerk response is Grover since he seems so shy. It’s the shy ones you have to watch out for, they’re nuts in bed (which is why so many men go for librarians). But with some thought, I have to go for Fozzie. He’s got “cuddler” written all over him.

What will you do if you get cut in the next round of redundancies? What will you do if you don't?

If I do-I will fucking fall apart and take to my bed for an indefinite period of time, perhaps not even surfacing to blog. Then I will start job hunting, and since over 20,000 people in my line of work have lost their jobs in the past year, I don’t expect to be successful in Sweden. I will likely look within the EU, but I have to wait until my Swedish citizenship papers come in, otherwise I need a work visa. Oh yeah, and it will likely break my Partner Unit and I up.

Minor details.

If I don’t? Well, actually I am going to keep writing. I have a book going on the side that’s pretty important to me, and likely the only way out of this revolving Company x redundancy nightmare.

What was the happiest single moment of your life?

I have thought about that long and often. To be honest, I don’t have a single moment, and I don’t mean that in any cop-out kind of answer. But I can say that I have a central person for all of the moments I hold close to my heart. Is that close enough?

Posted by Jennifer at November 3, 2003 12:00 AM


I was expecting more minge related items. Damn me and my responsible questioning!

Seriously though, good stuff Helen. :)

Posted by: Jim at November 3, 2003 12:15 PM

Oho! I see what this is! This is a Jim-related bribe for me to send DECENT questions to Jen!

It will never happen, my darling Jim! NEVER! Take no prisoners! Wahahahahahaha!

Posted by: Helen at November 3, 2003 12:26 PM

As if it were possible, you've just raised your (Helen's) status in the Cheese book. I mean, Grosse Point Blank and Fifth Element... cinematic perfection.
Having my preferences validated makes it all warm and fuzzy.

Posted by: LeeAnn at November 3, 2003 02:24 PM