You Asked, the Bartender Answers

The Bartender has answered your questions.

Find out why he says he'd sleep with Streisand by clicking the extended.

Q. Are you a bartender in "real life"?
A. Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, I was the fastest bartender that ever lived. Even years later when I got into the management end of the business, I could still beat 95% of my bartenders in speed pouring tests and can free pour exact measurements with either hand. Hell, I could still do it today and I haven't set foot behind a bar in 11 years. No brag… just fact. Damn, I was good.

Q. What is YOUR favorite drink?
A. All of em. Actually, I drink chilled Absolut straight up with lemon wedges for back up. I don't shoot it, I sip and enjoy! And eight ice cold beers after a long day working and sweating in the sun. Blackfive ain't got shit on me, I'm a professional drinker!

Q. What scandalous thing that you've committed while blitzed has had the farthest-reaching repercussions?
A. While blitzed? Maybe I have a different definition of blitzed, but I don't remember anything when I get blitzed. Now stoned is another matter.

Q. How did you come up with the name Madfish Willie's?
A. Madfish Willie is a character out of the movie "Snatch". They were going to substitute Madfish Willie or John the Gun in the underground fight after Brad Pitt broke their guys jaw. But apparantly Willie had gone Mad and John the Gun, shot himself. So they got Brad Pitt to kick some guy's ass instead.

Q. Who would you most like to punch in the nose?
A. Harvey, Eric, the last guy I worked for, the next guy I have to work for, and the jerk off who asked this question.

Q. Which Corner of the Bar Babe would you most like to see covered in whipped cream?
A. At one time or all together? I see them in covered in whipped cream all the time, you should see them too. [I see dead people] [Susie]

Q. What was your favorite entry you posted on your blog that everyone ignored?
A. There are many to choose from… nearly all of them have been ignored. My favorite post was the one I was bitching about no one paying attention but no one ignored that one.

Q. How much time do you spend on your blog everyday?
A. The Happy Hour Party and Dumb-Ass Jokes take about thirty minutes start to finish. Then the rest of the crap I just wing it… copy, paste, cragerize, post… it's pretty simple. I guess it shows huh?

Q. What the hell is your problem?
A. My main malfunction is some butthead always junking up the comments in my blog. As he is my only reader, I fear banning his IP would send my blog down the shitter!

Q. Which bloggers influence you?
A. Alcohol and crooked cigarettes are the only things that influence me. Bloggers? I don't need no stinkin bloggers! Does it look like anyone in particular influences me?

Q. Who do we have to blame for telling you to blog in the first place?
A. Blackfive was the first to ask if I had a blog when he was doing his"drinking theme week" Then, Harvey billied me into signing up with blog*spot and starting. Then he announced me before I was ready and I still haven't caught up. So you can all gang up on them and shit the beat out of em for inflicting such pain on your eyes and ears.

Q. Who is the worst blogger that you read regularly?
A. I don't read worst bloggers, I look at the pictures.

Q. Who is the best blogger that you read regularly?
A. I'll tell you who the best blogger I don't read regularly. Phrank. He doesn't even have all the members of his own stinkin Alliance blogrolled. That pretty weak if you ask The Bartender. Plus he has never given The Bartender a Phrank-a-lanche. If he doesn't straighten out, I'll join the Dark Side where I'll be appreciated by my fearless leader!

Q. What do you do if it's quittin time and a guy won't leave?
A. Oh, he's leavin alright.. I never have a problem getting them to leave… hell I have to lock the doors so they can't get away.

Q. How about if it's a chick?
A. She's gotta go too. She can wait outside in her car with the windows rolled up and the doors locked. If she's still alive after I finish countin the piles 'o money, she might get lucky.

Q. How about if it's a really hot chick?
A. Unless she's passed out in the coat room with her pants down around her ankles, she's gotta go too. No exceptions!

Q. What's the use of gettin' sober if you're gonna get drunk again?
A. I resemble that remark. And who's sober anyway?

Q. If you were captured by space aliens, force-fed Viagra, tied up in such a manner that suicide was impossible, and forced to mate with your choice between Barbra Streisand, Janeane Garofalo, or Hillary Clinton, who would you choose and why?
A. Barbra Streisand - she has the biggest tits! The other two are just friggin skanks. Plus I don't need Viagra - give it to Harvey he needs it.

Q. What's someone gotta do to get hired at Madfish Willie's? I've got ten years of bartending experience, and even more of sittin' on the other side of the bar, drinkin' my beer, being curteous to bartenders, and tipping well.
A.Customers make crappy employees so you have to go to work for Evil Glenn at Blender's

Q. Everyone expects the bartender to listen to their sob story...now it's your turn. What would you like to get off your chest?
A. Bartender don't tell sad stories… they tell jokes. And kick the drunk's ass out the door - my favorite part of the job!

Posted by Jennifer at November 14, 2003 12:00 AM

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