November 24, 2003

You Asked, The Smarter Cop Answers

Pietro has answered all your questions!

Learn why he wants to be Alec Baldwin and the two words every man needs to know.

Click it.

So what is your actual first name?

You think I'd lie about my first name? It's Smarter.
Just kidding... it's Peter; the 'Pietro' pseudonym is just the Italian variation.

Why aren't the "10" radio commands standard throughout the country? "10-04" is, but a lot of the others vary from area to area.

I think you have me mistaken for Jennifer. She's the one who answers those kinds of questions for free. And if you take me for an expert in radio, well, the only radio I know about is the one that keeps me awake on long drives.
If you're just dying for an answer: it's because in many regions of the country, people count with their fingers.. take '10-four', for example; police will sometimes drive by other officers holding up 4 fingers, as if to say, "Are you OK?"
Four fingers back usually means "Yes", but sometimes means, "Yeah, same to you, moron!" when scraped under the chin forcibly. The meaning of the codes is definitely culturally dependent.

Is Bart really as dumb as people say he is?

Undoubtedly. He readily admits to an IQ of 64. From exposure to his level of wit and logic, I have him pegged at 77. The only person dumber would have to be Barbra Streisand.

What's the whale bone connected to?

The harpoon, of course.

Peanuts: salted or unsalted?

{Looking around} OK, where's the camera? How did you know I was eating peanuts?
I like them salted, preferably dry roasted. The unsalted variety leave a paste in the mouth, and are more suitable for cooking dishes like Pad Thai... Mmmmmm.

How many licks til the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Barring any unseen Freudian psychoanalytic intent behind the question, the answer is three. Just ask the owl.

What ice cream flavor is your favorite?

I'd like to find out who conducts the stupid polls that suggest that 'chocolate' or 'vanilla' is America's favorite ice cream flavor. Give me a break. You want some ice cream. Do you pick out vanilla, or do you take some of that Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough? Mere chocolate or Rocky Road? The more stuff in the ice cream that's not ice cream, the better.
At this point, I'd like to make a confession. Liberalism is good for one thing, and one thing only... making ice cream. My favorite ice cream flavor happens to be Ben and Jerry's Phish Phood, which I enjoy consuming with one hand while I shamelessly lambaste their idiotic "True Majority" compost. Hey Ben and Jerry, keep smokin' em while you can.... losing your perpetual case of the munchies will cause serious damage to America's economy.

If you had to spend your life on a desert isle with one famous actress from any era (you can pick her age), whom would she be?

It would probably be Dawn Wells. She's already had extensive island experience, and I think I would make her life much easier and pain-free than Gilligan ever did.

If you could only watch 5 dvd's for the rest of your life, which would you pick?

1) Indiana Jones Trilogy
2) Lord Of the Rings, all extended versions.
3) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
4) Blackhawk Down
5) Evil Dead

If you could be ANY celebrity for one day, who would you be and why?

I'd be Alec Baldwin for a day, so I can totally confuse everybody by fully supporting the President, waving the flag proudly, owning a firearm, mooning Michael Moore at the Academy Awards, enlisting in the Army Reserves, and making sure that I was scheduled for a frontal lobotomy the following morning.

What is your least favorite vegetable, and would you choke it down to save Michael Moore's life?

My least favorite vegetable is the squash. I'm not sure if it would MATTER if I had to choke down squash to save Michael Moore's life. For one thing, squash is not conducive to choking; second, if Michael Moore were in the same room with me he'd have downed all the squash before I had an opportunity to take a bite.

You've heard the Marxist phrase: "From each according to his
ability; to each according to his needs." If that was policy: what would

All liberals would be out of a job, since the world has no need for them, and would be better off without them. They have absolutely nothing of value to offer.

Why did you start blogging?

Obviously not for the chicks, fame, or money; none of those have mysteriously appeared since I started blogging. I think the number one reason I started blogging was to be able to share my love of writing and creative thought. I've always enjoyed writing, the process of writing, and exchange of thought. Reason number two was to vent my frustration at all the antagonistic liberals out there who appear to be oblivious to all reason and logic. They're the ones who think they have a better plan but can never tell us what it is; it's just better. This is the perfect opportunity to present them with a better way, one that makes a great deal more sense and is not completely stupid.
Finally, while I feel my true forte' is in fiction and I would love to spend time in worlds of my own creation, real life is simply too pressing to ignore; the men and women of the blogosphere have shown themselves to be a community, supportive and respectful of each other, one that I'm proud to be a part of and help guide to public relevance and importance.

Do you think you get inspiration from any other bloggers?

But of course! What is blogging without mutual admiration? There are blogs that I truly enjoy and look forward to reading every day. First and foremost, Glenn Reynolds is the master. He doesn't really have a unique angle or style of writing like other bloggers; he just knows where the links are, and everyone wants to be like him. Then there's Kevin, who's inspired me to write at least one bona-fide rotten entry per week; Michele, who shares my love of Faith No More and has a sardonic sense of humor I haven't yet begun to fathom; Kate, who has a mastery of the alphabet unlike any Sesame Street character I've ever seen, and for whom the word "Snark" holds special meaning; and John, who manages to interview people we'd sell our left organ to pick brains with.

When was the last time you got an oil-change for your car?

When my indicator said "Check Engine Oil." That's what it's for, isn't it?

If you could have ANY car, what would it be?

It would be invisible, and it would be able to fly. In the absence of those attributes, a Dodge Viper is my auto of choice.

How did you find out there was no Santa Claus?

Just now, thank you very much! And to think I could have saved thousands in chimney cleaning bills! Next you're going to tell me the Easter Bunny is some clown dressed up in a bunny suit... but don't you dare. I want to keep one holiday sacred!

The holidays--fun or not worth the trouble?

They WERE fun, up until a few minutes ago!
Actually, in all honesty I think the more simple the plans for the holidays, the happier one will be. You don't need to spend a whole lot of money and time making everything fancy and extravagant, when time with family sharing happy memories and making new ones is more precious than any decoration. Also, during the holidays my family and I strive to maintain the true spirit and meaning of the occasion - thanksgiving, love, joy, hope, peace, everything that Jesus Christ represented... It sure beats confusion and crowds any day.

Women. What's the big mystery?

This is a trick question, isn't it - as if there were only one thing. The mystery is how to answer a question pertaining to women without one woman or another getting offended and seeking vengeance. Guys, we can joke about women all we want, but in the end we all know the two words that are most crucial in the day to day pattern of our lives are "Yes" and "Dear"...

What would be the perfect way to spend a weekend?

Well, having always loved to travel, I'd say the perfect way to spend the weekend is to go somewhere you've never been before, try some food you've never eaten, participate in a tradition or culture that had previously been unknown to you, and take lots of pictures along the way. I lived in Europe for several years, and have come to realize that it's not the tourist-laden sites that are the most worthwhile to visit; it's the places off the beaten path that don't try to airbrush the uniqueness of their culture and patronize the tourist. Why spend 40 bucks for a half-hour gondola ride in Venice when you'll have a much more surreal and picturesque experience riding a 2 dollar water taxi with a hundred other people crammed beside you in a boat the size of your bathroom at home? Use all of your senses to captivate your imagination. Smell the pungent cheeses and meats in the alleyway market; listen to the bustle of the evening crowd rushing to buy the evening meal and hurry home; feel the aquatic chill of the breeze coming off the placid water.

Posted by Jennifer at November 24, 2003 12:01 AM