November 26, 2003

You Asked, Tuning Spork Answers!

(Sorry this is a bit late. My fault, not Spork's.)

Tuning Spork has answered all your questions!

Click it and bask in the glory that is Spork's unique take on...well, just about everything.

Click it. Now. Seriously. I'm not kidding.

Have you ever eaten a baby?
None that I know of. [*snark, chortle*] Okay, bad joke. Actually, I made
some veal parmigiana once, but it was very old cheese.

Lord of the Rings or Star Wars?
Star Wars. I've never seen Lord of the Rings. Come to think of it, I've
never seen the recent Star Wars episodes either. (Well, I saw parts of
Episode 1 with my nephew; but he kept fast forwarding to the "good

Star Wars or Star Trek?
Star Trek all the way. Old; new; happy medium; all of them! Well, maybe
not so much Voyager. I mean, the Doctor was the only interesting
character. I had great hopes for Tuvok but they never wrote anything
interesting for him. What a waste of seven seasons.

Are you bitter about Jen flaunting her affair with the PB?
Nah, I'm just happy that she announced it on her blog rather than tellin'
me first. If she'd let me know first I might have felt "singled out." I'm
just happy that my fiance feels free enough to know what she wants and
how to go for it. No, really I am! *glug glug glug*

Do you think your belonging to the Alliance of Fuschia Blogs or whatever
it is contributed to her straying?

*glug glug* Now lishen here: Shennifer ish the queen of all she shurveyzh
and that'sh m'kay widd me, m'kay? Sho, let'sh not hear
any*hic*...any*hic*..any*BRAAP* more of thish shillinessh. What! I'm not
chrunk, yyyeeeeeeeooo are!! Shhhhh......

Which blogs inspire you?
All of them! Okay, that's a cop-out answer. IMAO because it's hillarious
(though I haven't been able to read FrankJ in two months since my
monitor's color scheme is f'd up). Emporer Misha because he has the gift of kvetch and seems to be able to -- like his old army drill sargeant -- swear for two hours straight without ever repeating himself (though I can't read him much anymore either [easier than IMAO, but still too much of a strain in large doses]). DFMoore for his excellent posts about
science, politics and all things interesting (though he really needs to
post some more Science At Home stuff), and for being about the closest
thing I've seen (along with spinsanity) to my original concept of Blather Review.
The biggest inspiration I had when I started at BlogSpot, back in
February, was the writing of Peggy Noonan and Bill Whittle. I wanted to
write essays about what I believe, and why, and make it sound like a
Reagan speech or something. But that's both time consuming and limiting,
so I went ahead and did other types of posts as well. Now I just like to
go ahead and forget about having a coherent style of blog and just write
whatever the hell I feel like writing. So, in answer to your question;
None of them!

You have a flair for storytelling. Plan to use that more in the future?
Thank you! :D I don't really plan to do anything; blog posts, write with
a certain style, dental work... One day I'll write a psuedo-scholarly
thesis on the Constitutionality of the Controlled Substances Act, the
next day I'll tell a dirty joke involving two snakes and a bass-o-matic.
(Oh, remind me to tell you that joke some day...)

How come there are never any Bartenders in your lies
stories? And where is the smoke-filled gin joint?

Hmm. Well, I don't have a lot of experience with Bartenders as I rarely
go to bars (especially since the *cough* smoking ban). I pretty much only
go to one bar, The Smoke-Filled Gin Joint The Windmill,
and only when my friends' band is playing. That's usually on a Friday
night, so my intereaction with bartenders usually goes something like:
"I'll have a pitcher of Louenbrau!" "You had a bitch of a colon plow?!"
"What was that?!" "No, she never showed up, but what can I get ya?!"

How many degrees between you and Kevin Bacon?
I know this: three! I met Marion Ross at the Atticus Book Store/Cafe in
New Haven back in college (circa 1983). She, of course, played Marion
Cunningham -- mother of Richie -- in "Happy Days." Richie was played by
Ron Howard, who directed Kevin Bacon in "Apollo 13".

What is your best childhood memory about the holidays?
It was Christmas Eve, I was six years old. I was in bed, but I wasn't
asleep. I leaned on the windowsill just beside my bed and stared at the
night sky hoping the glimpse Santa and his sleigh.
I saw a red light in the sky. "Rudolph!" I thought. It was Rudolph
lighting the way as Santa Claus made his way to my neighborhood and, any
minute now, my Christmas tree!
Then a streak of light crossed the sky. "AAAAAAHH!!!" I screamed. My
mother came rushing into the bedroom.
"Sporkster!" (My mother called me Sporkster) "What's wrong?!"
"Santa Claus re-entered the atmosphere at too steep an angle and burned
up on re-entry! I saw it!" I told her everything I'd seen, including Rudolph.
"Oh, honey," Mom consoled me as she stroked my hair. "That wasn't Santa,
that was just a shooting star. And the red light you saw was probably an
airplane; or maybe Mars."
"But how do you know? How do you know?!" I cried with tears streaming
down my face.
"Because Santa died three months ago. It was in all the papers." I wept
tears of sorrow for Santa and cried myself to sleep wondering if Mrs.
Claus was dating again. "Woe be to that guy," I thought, "She's on the
The next morning the living room was filled with toys, games, and even a
new bicycle!!
"But..." I stammered at my mother, "I thought you said Santa was dead."
"Psyche!!" she yelled, pointing at me. I'd been had! Santa was alive and
well and I had a new bike! I'll always remember that as the Christmas
that almost wasn't.

If you could hijack one blog and call it your own, which would it be?
Would it be a bloodless coup?

The Daily Dish. I mean, Andrew Sullivan has the gall to have pledge weeks and rakes in thousands and thousands of dollars. Just for asking! Like he's about to go broke or something. The cheek. The cheek! Yeah, I'd take that deal. Bloodless coup? Uh... not to get all disturbingly serious/morbid/morose, but the man is HIV positive. So, yeah, definately bloodless.

You can spend 3 weeks in a tent in the woods with one Munuvian. Who is it and why?
Oh, great, I have to pick one fantasy tent-mate and alienate the rest of
the babes. Well, I'm not gonna do it. Nope, you can't make me! Shut
up, I'm not playing! Okay, LeeAnn. She seems like a camper-type to me; good for laughs, could probably get the fire going, and maybe even stare down some bears in the meantime.

You have to put one celebrity on a spit to be roasted and eaten by
pygmies. Who is it?

Steven Segal. The guy's a frickin' jerk and his movies suck.

If you could pick between absolute knowledge and absolute power, which would you choose?
Power!!! I think absolute knowledge would be pretty paralyzing (I keep
thinking of Ray Milland in "The Man With The X-Ray Eyes"). I guess it's
kind of like a choice between being Q (from ST:TNG) or Christ. It'd be
much more fun to be Q.

Samantha or Jeannie?
Samantha. Jeannie's both too powerful and too stupid. Samantha is more
real, and we're talking about Reality here.

Pick three people from any era to have dinner with.
Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton and James Madison. I've always wanted to
know what Madison thought of the static trans-conical collapse patterns
in gluon dynamics.

Who is your favorite Secretary of State?
Sticking with the post-War SoS's, and not giving this one a whole lot of
thought, I'm gonna say James Baker. He's smart, had great priorities, saw
the big picture, and didn't seem to be wrestling any demons.

What is one thing no one knows about you that you think everyone should know about you?
That I'm a very secretive person.

Any tattoos, piercings, or other distinguishing characteristics?
Tattoos: Nope. Tattoos have become a "chick thing." I recently saw some
show that had a "man/woman in the street" segment called "Tattoo, or no
tattoo." They asked a question or two of each passerby then asked you to
guess if they had a tattoo or not. More than half of the women had
tattoos; none of the guys did.
Piercings: Nope. I, for some reason, consider most piercings to be
vulgar. Earlobes are okay, I'm used to seeing those. But anything else?
Other distinguishing characteristics: Just a few uninteresting birthmarks
and this second head I have growing out of the side of my neck. You're
the second head, Dipshit. No, you are, Asswipe.

Have you ever had a moment of pure joy? If so, please describe it.
Ten and a half years ago I left work and ended up in a room in the
maternity ward of Bridgeport Hospital. My sister had given birth that
afternoon to my nephew. The moment I saw him I knew that he was the
cutest thing I'd ever seen.
As you can imagine, the room/hall/floor was completely silent. When
anyone spoke it was in very hushed tones, what with newborns trying to
get some sleep and all.
I just stared at him; wrapped in a towel/blanket thing; breathing and
sleeping. The wispy blonde hair and puffy lips on the end of this teeny
tiny adorable little bundle of a baby. I eventually turned to my sister.
"Well?" she asked with a sly smile. "Did I do good or what?"
You couldn't wipe the grins off of our faces.
He's ten years old now, and still tiny and cute.. and fiesty, just like
his mom.

Posted by Jennifer at November 26, 2003 11:46 AM


Great interview, TS! (And thank you for not picking me to go camping--there are live things in the outdoors...eeeewwwwwwww)

Posted by: Susie at November 27, 2003 12:42 AM

:) That was fun!

Posted by: Ted at November 27, 2003 07:43 AM

Put a friggin bartender and gin joint in your next lie stroy or else!

Posted by: The Bartender at November 27, 2003 03:55 PM

OKay, okay!

Posted by: Tuning Spork at November 27, 2003 10:18 PM