January 02, 2004

You Asked, Jeff Answers

Jeff has answered your questions!

Find out what his plans are for France and much more.

Click it!

Who are you?
- I can't answer that. I tend to be about 19 years old, and am usually found inhabiting an apartment somewhere in the Oakland neighborhood of Pittsburgh.

Which one of those guys and girl are you?
- This interview's for Jeff right, so assumably, I'd be Jeff?

If you had to pick between a big stick and an ice cream sundae of your choice, which would it be?
- Well, it's hard to imagine such a situation ever developing. Big Sticks are usually used by Theodore Roosevelt to beat the living shit out of Communists/Terrorists/Aunt Jemima Lookalikes, and Ice Cream is just one way to quench a summertime heat problem. However, if confronted with a communist or something, who's to say that a nice cone of Chocalate Chip Semtex© wouldn't straighten him out? (Look it up.) I guess I'd pick the Big Stick... You can use it for so many things! Like clubbing seals!

You sort of disappeared from Survivor Island. What happened to you?
- I don't like donkeys. Plus, it started to suck once Don pussed out.

If you had to eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
- Hehe... there's an obvious and dirty answer to this. Cheese. CHeese is the lifeblood of all of my species. Or something. Actually I love to cook, and I if I was ever forced to eat one thing, I'd just probably bust out my emergency Chinese Invasion arsenal and blast my way to the nearest Japanese Steakhouse and eat Stir Fry until my heart exploded.

Flavored vodka: genius or the work of Satan?
- The work of Satan consists of mainly corrupting the Church and rewriting the North American Free Trade Agreement. However, a genius would never invent something so godawful unless he invented it as a poison. It coulda happened.

What is the first thing you plan to do when you get to France?
- Well, after doing all of the necessary paperwork and finding my host family's house, I'm going to unpack my huge American Flag and put it up on the wall of my room. So there.

Have you gotten enough donations for a camera yet?
- Well, not really. I got 20 bucks. My grandpa loaned me some money to buy one though, so I think I'm going to pick up a Canon A70.

Will you be blogging from France?
- Of course! That was the original purpose of the blog. I'll be posting probably slightly more than weekly, with pictures and anecdotes. Visit often, and link it up!

Do you have plans for what to do with all the Frenchies who surrender to you at the airport?
- Not really... I hadn't considered that. I'll try to keep a low profile, I mean, they'll outnumber me quite a bit. Wait, nevermind. I'll just round them into pens.

How do you say "I accept your surrender" in French? Oh, wait, they probably don't have words for that in French. How about in German?
- J'accepte ta reddition. I think. Don't know in german, maybe... Flockiges Kleines Häschen?

Have you guys ever given much thought to writing 2015 seriously, as if the US did withdraw from the UN and give all those moonbats and cowards what for?
- I think that my plans for 2015 will change. When I get back from France, the blog is going to need new original content, and I may redo the 2015 series as a serious dramatic work. Or, I might just get drunk and mash on the keyboard.

Don't you think it's sad that we live in a country where they can have Saddam Hussein in custody for months without letting anybody know about it until the "opportune moment"...but we didn't put a bullet in his skull or beat the living hell out of him during that time?
- What the shit are you talking about, you loon? It was my understanding that we pulled him out of a goddamn hole near Tikrit, and until then had no clue where he was. Conspiracy theories are a goddamn waste of time.

Do you think we already have Osama bin Laden in custody but are just waiting for the "opportune moment" to plant him in Paris?
- I think you're a raving tard.

What'd be your weapon of choice if confronted with Osama bin Laden?
- A wood chipper. I think there's been enough elaboration on this already though. Anyway, I've been around long enough to realize that what I want to do doesn't matter, only what the idiots in charge want.

How many states do you think Dean will carry in the 2004 election should he win the Democratic Primary?
- 3. Alberta, California, and New York. He's big in them liberal shithead areas.

Which Democratic candidate do you like the most of all and why?
- Sharpton.

Why do you think it is so rare to find an American presidential candidate with facial hair?
- I think that it's a function of us getting away from our roots. Lincoln had a beard, and look how kick ass he was. If I was running, I'd definitely grow one, although Al Gore looked pretty damn stupid after he did. He looked like some kind of South African reject Lumberjack.

The cost of one campaign commercial can feed and clothe the nation of Zaire for one year (alternatively, it can feed and clothe one American farmer for three months)...should there be some cap on campaign spending?
- I definitely think so. I think the campaign should be a series of cage fights involving grander and more complicated weaponry each time, until only one remains.

Can we at least talk about a cap on the number of times I have to watch a campaign commercial in a given hour?
- No. Now go away before I taunt you a second time, you lousy secondhand animal food trough wiper.

Posted by Jennifer at January 2, 2004 04:34 AM


Jeff, thanks for the classy take on my humorous but obnoxious question. No, I won't tell you which one it was-but I might if you post more pix of the car your grandfather is restoring.

Posted by: Victor at January 2, 2004 07:00 AM

Great interview, Jeff!!!

Posted by: Susie at January 2, 2004 09:27 AM


...could use more French-bashing, though ;-)

Posted by: Harvey Olson at January 2, 2004 10:10 AM