You Asked, Graumagus Answers

The long-awaited Graumagus interview is here! It is worth your time and to prove it I am offering a money-back guarantee.

What you can expect when he gets the One Ring...in the extended.

Why "Graumagus"?

It's kind of a bastardized german for "gray mage" (which is actually "graues mage" in german). I wanted a moniker nobody else had, instead of something like "Gandalf_4721". Google my handle and everything you find is me except for a few exerpts from a very strange german role-playing game (assuming a troll isn't stealing my identity somewhere since I started the blog).

Why "Frizzen Sparks"?

I really like flintlock muzzle loading firearms (one of these days I might even get around to getting a damn long rifle instead of just my pistols). Without a good shower of sparks from the flint striking the frizzen, the powder in the pan doesn't ignite, and the gun doesn't fire. I could say that it was intended to convey that my blog was meant to start ignition on debating topics or something else symbolic, but I'm really not that deep. It just popped into my head while I was pondering names, and the domain was free.

If for some reason you couldn't use the names "Graumagus" and "Frizzen Sparks" what names would you use instead?

I'd probably go with "Willie MacPhearson" (which is my living history persona) and "The Rabid Platypi" for the blog name, because it makes no sense, it rolls off the tongue, and "Tasty Manatees" was already taken.

What's so anachronistic about your asshole?

It's callused from years of wiping with corn cobs.

What 3 things piss you off the most?

Oooo... to pick only three... this is hard...hmmmm.. I'd say liberals who push revisionist history, hypocrites (and we are all hypocrites to some extent, I save my ire for serial hypocrites like people who claim to be for racial equality but support affirmative action), and the fact that Charmin hasn't come out with a squeezably soft corn cob.

Fluffy bunny rabbits or fuzzy ducklings?

I'd have to say the bunnies. You definitely get more meat off of them than ducklings. Heck, you'd need at least six or seven ducklings to make a decent kebob. If the ducks were full grown I would have went with them.

How many angstroms in a gigameter?

Whoever asked this should realize it's their fault that this interview has taken so long to get finished. Every time I hit about 73 billion my kids would start yelling and make me lose count.

Popular legend has it that Scots wear nothing under their kilts. If this is so, how do they protect their royal jewels from the hazards of battle, freezing weather and marauding trollwives?

During battle it wasn't uncommon for Scots to drop plaid completely and rush into the fray naked. They believed that there's no defense better than a good offense, and there's nary a sight on heaven or earth more offensive that screaming, pasty white, kilt rash mottled, naked scotsmen. If that didn't frighten the enemy into running away, the royal jewels made themselves a pretty small target due to the effects of chilly weather on exposed male plumbing.
No living history event has let us reenact this.

If you were feelin' really really snacky and there was nuthin' in the fridge but mayo, olives, hersheys chocolate syrup, salsa and a few stale twizzlers from last Halloween, what would you do?

Well, I don't really care for olives, so if they are in the fridge they belong to my wife. Seeing as how olives usually have a 15 minute life expectancy when she's around, I'd leave those for her. Stale twizzlers are great for dipping into salsa, used to be a staple geek night (D & D playing night) culinary treat. As for the mayo and chocolate syrup, I'm thinking "Tangy Chocolate Mousse".

You have a choice between saving a princess from a fearsome dragon, or going to a titty bar with the other knights, what say you, Sir Graumagus?

Depends on a few factors. Is it another knight's birthday or bachelor party? If so I'd kind of be obligated to buy the guy a codpiece dance and a few rounds of mead.

Also, has this princess been kidnapped by the dragon, or did the king put his daughter under the protective custody of the dragon? Kings usually do that when their daughters are complete sluts, so I'd probably go for the princess. Ahhhh who am I kidding, I'd hit the bar, have a few dozen meads, tuck some farthings into a few garters, get the guys to help me slay the dragon after last call, then we'd all hit Perkin's for eggs benedict.

If you had the One Ring, what would you do?

(Laughs maniacally). The first thing I'd do is make Alyson Hannigan my personal love strumpet. Yes, I know I'm married, but the Bearer of the One Ring deserves a little on the side. Then I'd make Fox replace all these shitty reality shows with the ones I love that the bastards canceled (Firefly, Dark Angel, Family Guy). Then I would rule with a somewhat benevolent iron fist for eternity. Uhhmm, you weren't actually expecting a "destroy the ring for the good of humanity" answer were you?

What the hell were you doing in Seattle yesterday? I swear I saw you crossing the street in greenwood in your cap and jacket. Or was it your evil doppleganger? although, hmmm... Maybe that should be...Your GOOD doppleganger?

I hate my Evil Twin, he's always starting when I want to begin. Actually it was me, I was really hungry for a salmon omelet (which you can get a lot of places, but you can only get good in Seattle). In Rockford, IL there is a big, ugly, orange scrapmetal sculpture thing by an artist named Alexander Liberman (the Rockford "symbol"). There is an even larger orange scrap pile in Seattle. I've found that by banging my head against the symbol three times and chanting "God Rockford SUCKS!" I can teleport between the two.

Zoos--fun for everyone or depressing?

Fun if you're a kid, but depressing for a wolf. Last time I hit the zoo, the wolves looked decidedly like they wanted to put a makeshift shiv to a guard's throat and bust out.
The Grizzly bears, on the other hand, seems quite happy to be fed and be a lazy ass in his pool. Come to think of it, I'd be pretty happy to be fed and be a lazy ass in a pool too. The Lemurs were pretty much indifferent.

Vodka or tequila?

Jose Cuervo and I are pretty tight. Vladimir Smirnoff is a commie bastard. 'Nuff said.

How many keys are on your keyring? How many of those keys do you actually use?

17 keys at the moment, which is much less than when I was younger. I probably use 4 of them a lot, 8 or nine of the others once in a while, and the rest rarely (but if I put them anywhere else I'd never find the damn things when I need them). I've found it's useful to have distinctful keys. I once lost my keys at Six Flags and had to drive home with the spare in my wallet. Based on my description of my keys, they identified and mailed them to me.

Do you think colonizing Mars is the best use of our resources?

No. I think using our resources to install me as ruler of all mankind and figuring out a way to make me immortal is the best use of our resources. Oh, did you mean the best use for everybody, or the best use for me?

What is the most wonderful thing about Tiggers?

They add another interesting psychological twist to the 100 Acre Wood Institution for Mentally Deranged Stuffed Animals. You have Tigger (ADHD), Eeeore (Depression), Pooh (Mental Retardation, Food Addiction), Piglet (Anxiety), Rabbit (Obsessive/Compulsive gardening), Kanga (Drug Addiction. Trust me, everyone keeps craving her cookies for a reason), Roo (Obsessive Hero Worship), Owl (Delusions of Grandeur, initial stages of Alzheimer's), Mole (Obsessive/Compulsive need to fix things), and Christopher Robin (Visual and Auditory Hallucinations of talking, walking stuffed animals.)

If money was no object, where would you choose to live?

My own personal Orbital Death-Ray Platform.

What kind of car do you drive?

Ford Windstar. My wife won't let me buy a hearse.

Are you the kind of friend you want your friends to be?

I think so. And if my friends don't think so, they can go screw themselves (the bastards!)

Posted by Jennifer at February 24, 2004 11:42 AM

Tweet