March 30, 2004

*You Asked, Paul Answers

Here it is: the interview pretty much guaranteed to scare any normal person away from being interviewed.

Paul has answered your questions.

Click it.

You are a man of mystery, blogging anonymously. What/who are you hiding from?

Blogging would be seriously frowned upon my employer. I’m in a position
where it’s just not advisable. Actually, I wish I weren’t anonymous because
I could tell some great stories without having to live in fear. I’d also
like to post some photos of myself, because I’m devilishly handsome.

Where are you hiding?

I’m on the East Coast. Near the ocean.

What’s your shoe size?

12 EE. I’ve got big feet because I’m 6’ 4”. Something sturdy has got to hold
up all that gray matter. I bet a lot of melted cheese would fit into one of
my shoes.

Where did you go to kindergarten?

New Jersey. Kindergarten was probably the first time I realized that I hated
people. Even at that tender young age…I just knew.

What do you do for a living?

I hold a sales and marketing position in a large American company. But I
always tell people that I sell commodes to the Federal Government. I even
have business cards printed up that say “Thunder Flush, Inc.” I can even
fake a pretty good conversation about gov’t shitter sales. My fantasy job— I
would have loved to be a spook in the cold war days.

What are the measurements of your penis?

Actually, I can be pretty accurate here. I’m going to let you in on a
secret. Every guy in the world has measured his penis at one time or
another. It’s a fact. I go 7 7/8” in length, which is not giant, but tends
to get the job done. Besides, good technique and patience is the key. If you
’re going to do it right, you’re going to be there for while.

Describe your pubic hair.

Hmmm. Interesting question. Neatly trimmed and very soft. I use a top
quality conditioner on my pubes…I don’t care for coarse pubes. I’m not a
very hairy guy anyway. My chest is naturally hairless. In fact I’m pretty
much the opposite of the ‘Italian sweater’ type of guy. Thanks for asking.

Have you ever had a homosexual experience? Please describe it in detail.

No, I haven’t. I’m very comfortable in my skin as a hetero. But I have slept
with multiple girls at the same time. All of them were European. By multiple
I mean more than two. Does that count? It kind of makes them at least
partially homo and I was in the fray so…I guess I’ve had a lesbian
experience. It’s a long story. Several long stories really.

Did you ever get that tin foil versus aluminum foil thing straightened out?

Don’t get me started on the tin foil / aluminum foil thing. You can touch
that shit right out of the oven and it’s not hot, but the pizza that’s
sitting on it will scorch the shit out of you. Does that mean pizza is a
poor conductor of heat? Hell if I know.

If your own FOMP doesn’t work out, will you consider a FOJP?

You bet I would. I was going to add you to the lineup anyway. I bet you’re a
hot little number…

In your top ten reasons to read your blog, you state that you’re prepared to make a deal. What was your deal with Bill and who came out on…top?

We have no formal agreement; we’ve just given each other posting privileges.
But I definitely came out on top. He’s better than I am. Right now I think
he’s holding back a little but I think in the future we’ll be able to do
some great tandem projects. We’re both fairly devious and I think the
chemistry is right. He’s the kind of guy I’d like to write a screenplay

Clearly the hostile takeover of Bill’s blog got his creative juices flowing
again. Why hasn’t that bastard thanked anyone?

Because he’s a no good, filthy—well, that’s not true. Bill is Bill. Nobody
has better intentions. But let’s face it, like a parasite, he feeds off of
others. He works the give and take. There’s certain amount of creative
feedback that’s healthy for all of us. We gang up on Bill, then Bill
attacks. It’s part of his style. Thanks? That would hamper the magic.

Will you be covering “comment blogging” in your Blogging 101 series?

It’s hard to outline good comment blogging in an academic manner because
good comment blogging is spontaneous. Not getting banned is the key. I will
say this: the first time I comment blogged Bill was a masterstroke. He never
saw it coming and then didn’t know what to do about it. The timing was
right. He was running “Ask Scabby” because he had no material. He went to a
meeting and by the time he got back I was answering all of his reader’s
questions. Oho!

What is your favorite movie of all time?

The Godfather and Godfather II are definitely my favorites. They’re hard to
beat for both plot and dialog. I’m also a big fan of Sunset Blvd, Eraserhead
and Glengarry Glen Ross. As far as comedies go, the Blues Brothers is a
classic. That scene at Bob’s Country Bunker is gold.

What kind of music do you listen to?

I like most styles except country, but I lean toward well written and
produced rock. I hate country music. I’m a huge Beatles fan. I like
bluegrass, jazz and classical also. I’m a big fan of the Pixies, Elvis
Costello, Dave Edmunds and most of the 70s guitar heroes like Clapton, Beck,
Page and Eddie. I love funk and dislike rap. Tenacious D is a current

Do you dance? In public?

I’m an accomplished ballroom dancer. Tango, foxtrot, waltz—the whole deal.
Ballroom dancing and boxing go hand in hand. If you mean club dancing, yeah
I have no problem with it. Girls like to dance with me because I don’t look
like a jerk out there. No large, exaggerated movements. And back in the day
I had no trouble in the pit either.

You have a young daughter. Can you name all 4 Teletubbies?

I can’t even name one. That show gives me hives. Everything about it is
creepy. I’m pretty sure they’re hypnotizing my kid and programming her to
kill me in my sleep.

How about at least 4 Smurfs?

Thankfully, my child & have never seen that show. Is it a show? We’re big on
Sponge Bob marathons. Her favorite is Mr. Crabs. I tend to favor Patrick. We
also make a lot of home video of the two of us doing stupid stuff around the
house, like it’s our own TV show. Then we watch them back and laugh like

Who has been the most influential person in your life?

My daughter. Having the kid changed everything in my life…dramatically. All
the selfish habits had to go. She changed every set perception I had up to
this point in my life. We’re a team, she and I. I’m a kid at heart so we’re
pretty silly. Ever try to explain the concept a map to three year old?

Do they know it?

I don’t think so. It’s tough because sometimes kids can say mean things that
they really don’t mean, like, “You go lay down…I want my mommy now.”

Posted by Jennifer at March 30, 2004 02:18 PM


Cool, however Bluegrass is actually a subset of Country music and talk about scary: Sponge Bob Squarepants is the most frightenin' creature I have ever encountered. Talk about programmin' kids to kill ya in your sleep! ;)

Posted by: notGeorge at March 30, 2004 05:31 PM

Blugrass is a subset of real country music, which died in the 1940s.

Posted by: Paul at March 30, 2004 05:48 PM

I've had same room sex with Paul in high school, and he overstated the penis size...

Posted by: biv at March 30, 2004 08:08 PM

Wow, what a great interview! I always thought this guy was a mean-spirited jackass, but now I see the light.

He's a sensitive, yet manly. Smart, but not pompous.

Does it get any better than this?

Posted by: Not Paul at March 31, 2004 08:18 AM

I'm with Not Paul. He is sensitive. Almost effeminate.

Wife and kid, my ass.

Posted by: Not Bill at March 31, 2004 04:27 PM

Not Bill? Bullshit. You used 'ass' way to quickly to be a 'Not Bill'

Posted by: Not Wind Rider at March 31, 2004 04:54 PM