April 19, 2004

You Asked Again, Bill Answers Again

Bill has answered your questions.

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1. Do you have problems with reading comprehension?

Why do you ask? But to answer your question, no. I'm a big fan of the
reading genre and do my best to comprehend "words". I do, however, have a
problem with listening comprehension, mainly because I hate people and
consequently never pay attention to anything they say.

2. Why do you have a bunch of French words all over your fridge?

Because Alice was a French teacher and she thought it'd be "fun" to put a
bunch of incomprehensible words on the fridge in the language of a foreign,
smelly, cowardly people, much to my chagrin. I protested to no avail. You
know how women are.

3. How did you get started as a drummer?

My sister played and she was better than most guy players. None of the guy
drummers liked here because she was better than them. But you didn't ask
about my sister did you. A few of my friends decided to start a band. None
of us knew how to play an instrument though. Since my sister was a drummer
and I could use some of her gear, I decided to be the drummer. You can't
imagine the pure, unadulterated suckfest when four 14 year old idiots who
can't play their instruments get their hands on amplifiers and drums. The
neighbors hated us more than the drug dealers.

4. Who's your favorite Drummer of all time? Do you look to him/her as a
role model?

Phil Rudd from AC/DC. Oho!!! Just kidding. I love Keith Moon and Neil
Peart but I'd have to say Stewart Copeland. The guy's amazing and was very
innovative for his time. I never looked to musicians as role models. Most
of them are pretentious, self-medicated blowhards who think they're
oh-so-important. They're not.

5. What is the kinkiest thing you've ever done with a drumstick?

What's with all the friggin' drum questions? Well, I never really thought
of a drumstick as a sex toy but I think I once played half of "Canary in a
Coalmine" on a former girlfriend's bare ass. She didn't really care for it.

6. Describe your first date with Alice.

It wasn't a formal date really. She came over to my apartment to hang out -
we'd been hanging out for a while - and she was sitting at my computer and I
just kissed her. And no, I didn't sleep with her that night. That would
come about a month later. She's gonna kill me for this but once when we
first started dating, she came out of my bathroom topless with "Cum and get
me" written in cake icing across her boobs. I love you, sweetie! Please
put the butcher knife down.

7. Do you ever actually read Wind Rider's posts?

Yes but I barely understand them. And this has nothing to do with my
reading comprehension. Wind Rider is very intelligent and a great blogger
at Silent Running but something happens to him when he blogs at my site. He
suddenly becomes retarded. It's like the feeble-minded atmosphere of
Bloviating Inanities overcomes him and he instantly becomes a half-wit. I'm
very proud that I can bring him down to my level.

8. First Rachel Lucas; now Michele. What are you doing to drive the women

That's a funny story. Well, funny in a sad way. Right before both Racel
and Michele quit, they sent me long, rambling e-mails basically saying that
the more they read me and realized how good I blogged, it made them both
realize how inferior they were. I tried to console them as best I could and
tell them that, yes, they were both inferior to me in both style and
substance but they shouldn't just quit. They did have some talent. Not
much but some, and I offered my services in proper blogging technique.
Alas, they turned me down. It's sad but understandable.

9. How did you propose to Alice?

Well, don't quote me here but I believe it was along the lines of, "Alice,
will you marry me?". Actually, I asked her to marry me about five hundred
times. She never actually said no to me unless you consider, "Piss off, you
loser", a "no". And here's how lucky I am and how cool Alice is - I didn't
even have to get her a ring. I just took her to a tatoo parlor and we got
tattoes of each others initials with a weird design. That was our
"engagement rings". We agreed that if we ever split up we'd just tell
people that the tatoo was the symbol of a cult we'd belonged to when we were

10. Any tips for other guys on how to land a hot chic?

It's really pretty simple. Hang around high schools. Teenage chicks are
very naive. Alice was only 17 and I was 27 when we met. She thought I was
the greatest thing since sliced bread. Imagine that! Lucky for me she was
turning 18 in a month so statuatory rape wasn't even an issue.

11. Who's your favorite heckler? I mean, commenting reader?

That's a tough one. Probably Wind Rider. There probably isn't an insult
he hasn't thrown my way. Jennifer's pretty bad, er, good too. But her
comments consist entirely of "You suck". Also Paul's always has something
funny to say. But naturally, I love all my commenters equally.

12. You seem to have a pretty ideal life. How could it improve?

It is pretty ideal, isn't it. Thanks for noticing. I guess if I could be
paid to blog that would be nice. Anyone want to sponsor me? Maybe I could
get a NEA grant. Of course I'm going to have a tough time proving to them
that what I do is art but hell, if you can throw a Crucifix in a jar of
urine, you can call my blog art. Also, I wouldn't mind a bigger dick.

13. Where did you go to college?

Montclair State University in scenic Upper Montclair, NJ. I had a 3.5 GPA
and majored in history and education. At some point I decided I hated
children and nixed the whole education thing. I think that point came when
they told me in some class that I couldn't "beat the children".

14. Which drugs did you experiment with?

Pot, coke, ups, downs, mescaline salad, a little acid. I don't do drugs
anymore and neither should you, boys and girls! Drugs make your brain turn
into eggs and the next thing you know, you're almost 40 with a half-assed
weblog telling fart jokes to morons. Take it from one who knows, boys and

15. What is Alice's favorite flower? (Don't ask her--that's cheating.)

The Ficus Hydrangelator.

16. In 50 words or less, describe the Teapot Dome Scandal from memory.

I have a feeling this is a Paul question. History isn't really my forte
even though I majored in it but I'll give it a shot. The teapot dome
scandal was very comlicated as scandals go but suffice it to say that the
scandal happened when Herbert Hoover and Warren "Gee" Harding led the
revolutionaries in a revolt against the English when the English imposed a
confiscatory oil tax on teapots. This caused the revolutionaries to dress
up as indians one night and throw their teapots into the Boston harbor. The
scandal came about when all the teapots in the harbor clogged up the
shipping lanes, thereby cutting off the supply of baked beans into Boston.
Since that's all Bostonians ate back then, many starved to death while
President Harding stood idly by, never once even offering to send Air Force
One into replenish their bean supply. Harding was eventually impeached over
the Teapot Dome Scandal.

17. Quick: what state does Susie live in?

Idaho? Wisconsin? North Dakota? It's somewhere around there.

18. What is the single worst thing you've ever done to another person?

Kicked someone when they were down. Literally. Me and a few friends beat
the crap out of this kid and then kicked him when he was down. I feel
really bad about that now. Except he was a drug dealer so it's okay to kick
them when they are down.

19. What is the single worst thing anyone has ever done to you?

Man, this is getting depressing. I was raped as a child. Just kidding.
Oho!!! Once my mother and father went out and said they'd leave me a key
and when I got home, there was no key. So I had to break into the house.
In the kitchen there was the key on the table with a nice note from my Mom.
You can see where I got my stupid from. I'm sure there are a lot of other
terrible stuff that people did to me but I suppressed it all. There's a
festering ball of pain and agony deep within my soul that I completely
ignore. That's why I'm so psychologically well-adjusted.

20. When did you realize Jennifer redecorated your site and not Wind Rider?

Really? She did that? I had no idea. I have a very short attention span
and don't like to pay much attention to stuff. But I have to tell you, I
always thought Jennifer was a dullard and didn't have a creative bone in her
body and now I realize that I'm wrong and I apologize to Jen for so severely
underestimating her creativity, imagination and intelligence. Not to
mention her ability to make and keep friends, her sense of humor, her
charater and her ability to have children. I'm sorry, Jen, and I hope you
can forgive me. Hugs and kisses and thanks for giving me the opportunity to
answer a lot of really stupid questions.

Posted by Jennifer at April 19, 2004 02:38 PM


My, didn't that suck.

Why yes, yes it did.

Vintage Bill.

Posted by: Wind Rider at April 19, 2004 03:06 PM

Rachel *and* Michele? Aren't you just the Typhoid Mary of blogdom.

Posted by: Ted at April 19, 2004 09:41 PM

Now I am forced to comment, just so Ted doesn't think he kills comment threads! Sheesh!

Um, nice interview, Bill. And it's INDIANA, ya hoser! (Not to be confused with hoosier)

Posted by: Susie at April 19, 2004 11:42 PM

And furthermore...oh wait, Ted commented.

This thread's dead, Ted.

Posted by: Wind Rider at April 20, 2004 06:56 AM

Ah, but suddenly we're up to our calloused knees in right reverends, so I expect all threads to be resurrected as often as it takes!

Susie - hoosier daddy? ;)

Posted by: Ted at April 20, 2004 08:51 AM


Posted by: Susie at April 20, 2004 09:36 AM