February 25, 2005

*El Capitan Interview

Here’s an interview with El Capitan. Enjoy!

In the extended...

What is your most conducive idea-induction method for your blog topics?

Well, it's certainly not current events. Rarely does something in the news enrage/enrapture me enough to blog about it. I don't often jump on a blogswarm issue, either. There's already too many people copying what the Big Dogs are doing. Mostly the best idea jump-starters are just random things I see on the 'net, or events from my personal life.

Why haven't you written a novel yet?

The inability to get the words on paper fast enough. I'm a really crappy typist, and I can't make my fingers keep up with the narrative in my head. Once I start losing ideas through the lag between the time I dream it up and the time I can get it "down on paper", I get seriously annoyed with myself and then I just quit trying for awhile. Handwriting's no good. I have a scrawl that’s not only embarrassing to see, it's not all that fast, either. I played around with one of the speech-to-text computer applications a few years back, but it's not all that good at dealing with a Texas drawl. Any stenographers out there needing dictation practice? A percentage of my forthcoming Nobel & Pulitzer prizes can be yours!

Did that chick at your 21st B-Day party really have chest hair or was it an optical illusion?

Alas, she was a hirsute wench. A touch too much of one hormone or another, or possibly steroids when she was a gymnast, and it led to a bit of excessive hair on various spots like the sideburn area, lower belly and unfortunately, her cleavage. We're not talking Burt Reynolds-style fur here, just the usual vellus hair everyone has that was just a bit more prominent. She was still as cute as a speckled pup in a red wagon, but the fuzz was... distracting.

Ever given an illicit plant a ride?

This question deserves its own post! Let's just say that yes, I did transfer a 2 foot high marijuana plant in a flower pot on the front seat of my car between several houses one summer afternoon looking for someone to take it in. This seems excessively idiotic, I know, but back in the days before mandatory minimums and Zero Tolerance, less than an ounce of usable product just got you a $100 Class C misdemeanor ticket. The plant was a result of a dropped seed that magically sprouted in a friend's mother's flower garden. The whole story really needs about 2000 words to tell properly, so keep an eye on my blog for it! (OK, blatant self-promotion, I admit it!)

Did you ever have an intimate moment with L-l-l-lambert?

OK, I'm just gonna say this one time! I...did...NOT...have sex with that inflatable sheep! However, I know who did! Laaaaaambert was a gift on one of my birthdays, probably my 22nd, if I recall correctly.

My friend Rockhauler and I were working our final summer on Scout Camp staff that year, and since my birthday came around in July, I was the recipient of some extremely funny, yet ill-advised gifts while camp was in session.
Rockhauler drove all the way to Austin from the Canyon Lake area to find a p()rno store to get a good gift. I don't recall if he was specifically after inflatable sex toys, or if the sheep was an inspired selection. He had the Harrison twins in tow, and they couldn't have been older than 15 or 16 that year. Rockhauler said their expressions upon entering the p()rno store were that of pilgrims arriving at a holy shrine. He apparently had to remind them to keep their jaws shut lest they inhale a soiled kleenex or two off of the floor.

The sheep was big hit around staff site at camp. I don't know if it was the painted-on lipstick, the dainty hooves, or the 24" long vaginal cavity, (measured with a broomstick) but it sure got some laughs. I'm told that a proto-jarhead named Williams from Texas A&M (well, that figures) attempted carnal knowledge of Laaaaaambert one night, but I can't confirm that, and Laaaaaambert never 'fessed up.

Laaaaaambert hung around for several years, getting dragged out of the closet and inflated for various college parties. I've got a pic somewhere of a group of friends posing with the sheep that I need to dig up and post. Laaaaaambert eventually suffered a fatal case of peritonitis after another broomstick insertion by some drunk person, and was given a burial in the trash bin with full sheep sex-toy honors.

Out of all your posts, does any single one stand out as your best?

Nah, not really. My personal favorite was probably this one about cats and germs, but I think the writing was better on my assorted Tales From The Bus Stop. I put the most amount of time and effort into this one. Oddly enough, I get almost zero feedback from the visitors to my blog about what works, and what doesn't. I doubt I'd make radical changes based on a couple of suggestions from strangers, but some occasional critiquing would be nice.

Will you ever drink Old English 800 again?

No, probably not. On those days you just gotta pollute your brain with malt liquor (and those days are VERY few and far between!) there's always Mickey's in the wide-mouth bottles. For an efficient alcohol delivery system, it's hard to beat!

Who are your three favorite bloggers?

Sigh. You would ask this one. Now I get to alienate the bloggers who wound up in the 4th, 5th and 6th spots!

Steve of Hog On Ice, for one. I have a like/dislike thing with this guy. I'd say it was a love/hate relationship, but I don't have that level of emotional energy invested, and we certainly don't have a relationship. I read his blog daily, 'cause he's hands-down one of the funniest bloggers out there. I never really got IMAO's style, and Scrappleface just leaves me cold. Steve, though, just flat-out slays me sometimes. His recipes are great (if somewhat dangerous) and he posts constantly, never taking these mini-sabbaticals that a lot of the other bloggers I read do.

The flip side is, he occasionally comes off as one of the most arrogant, egotistical tight-arsed moral crusader that I've ever known. The "poor little rich boy" theme that shows up every so often doesn't sit well with me, either. Still, my likes about his blog outweigh the dislikes by a factor of 8 to 1.

I enjoy Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks quite a bit. He's had more than his share of personal ups and downs, causing unavoidable gaps in his blog output, but is usually a very good read. Plus, out of all the bloggers I've run across, he and I share many similarities including being follically challenged, bearing a more than passing resemblance to the Michelin Man, and enjoying historical weaponry. He's a braver man than I, though, as he's gone the wife & kids route. He's also younger than I am, which I find very odd. I had him pegged for being in his mid-40's. I definitely need to buy him a beer or three sometime!

Finally, there's Acidman. Rob is the wellspring from which all curmudgeonly blogging flows. He can piss you off and warm your heart, all in the same post.

What can we expect from you in the future?

I'm 4 months into the daily blogging thing, and I see no signs of boredom. I'm meeting new people and getting a lot of writing done, so I think you can expect to see me slowly building my readership over the coming year. When live video-blogging becomes de rigeuer, I'm gonna quit, though, or buy a gorilla suit. I have to say, I really like the pseudo-anonymity I have now. If I had to blog under my real face and name, I wouldn't be having nearly as much fun.

When was the last time you threw up?

Hmmm... I didn't know there were emetophiles reading the blog!
Well, if you don't count the occasional backwash that hits the back of your throat after a huge belch, then I would have to say it was early in 2003, following a case of seriously nasty food poisoning from (I assume) the cole slaw on a BBQ sandwich. Ate it while leaving Memphis, felt queasy about Texarkana, was seriously nauseous when I hit Dallas, and had purged it all soon after arriving home. The last drunk yak was probably in the late '80s.

Who's hungry, now? Let's go get some vegetable soup!

Posted by Paul! at February 25, 2005 12:30 PM


I have to say that I love reading anything El Capitan ever writes...he is probably one of the wittiest and most interesting people I have ever had the joy of knowing. I only wish that he lived closer to me....then at least I would have an interesting lunch or dinner companion.

Keep up the great writing...

Posted by: Jackie at February 28, 2005 07:59 PM