You Asked, Jim Answers

Jim has answered your questions!

Click it and learn what the giant cow udder is all about...you know you've been wondering.

Do any other bloggers influence you and how?

Absolutely. Most of the blogs I read influence me in one way or another - that's part of what a community is all about. I'd say the biggest influences are Don Watkins, Ryan Rhodes, Venomous Kate and Helen Adelaide. Don is funny as all get out and he spurs me to be funnier than he is. Ryan is a fantastic writer and makes me want to write well. Kate is...real. She's like a blog anchor that keeps me from wandering out of my field. She's also taught me all I know about link whoring. Helen is a constant reminder that a portion of my audience have vaginas is a study in cut-throat self appraisal. I might never attain the state of openness that she has on her blog but the personal items that I have shared are largely due to the example she has set.

If you could secretly have sex with one person, who would it be?

I've had a thing for Annette Bening since my first episode of man to gland combat.

If you could publicly have sex with two people, who would they be?

Public sex? I don't know that I could perform well with an audience. Oh wait, I get it. You mean where it's public knowledge. I think a threesome with Lovely Wife and Helen would be a little slice of Heaven itself. Unfortunately Lovely Wife has only two women on autoaccept for a booty call and they are Brooke Shields and Demi Moore so I'd be picking Demi to join us in the bedroom.

When you feel like annoying your wife on purpose, how do you do it?

How do I annoy thee? Let me count the ways. One. Two. Three. Yup, there are three different ways that I annoy Lovely Wife. The first is tickling. She's horribly, horribly ticklish. I'll sneak in "accidental" tickles during backrubs and other modes of fondling until she figures out that they aren't accidental. Then I usually get a finger in the ribs. The second is finishing her sentences for her. This usually starts out unintentionally until I realize that I'm doing it. When I do, I start finishing her sentences with nonsense. "Don't forget that tomorrow is..." "...blow job day? I know, I know." Third is cracking jokes when she wants to talk in a serious manner. This is naturally dangerous territory as I am afflicted with incurable whimsy and Lovely Wife has what is generally referred to as a "normal" temperment. The key, of course, is stopping in time before annoyance at my flippancy turns to fury. I have mixed results there.

How did you meet Lovely Wife and how long before you knew she was the one?

We met over the [gasp] Internet. On a [gasp] chat program. ICQ? I don't remember for sure which one it was. I had been playing around with chat programs and then abandoned them when i discovered that I had little to no desire to randomly talk to people that I had nothing in common with. Unbeknownst to me, the ICQ (or whatever) was still running in the background and logging on anytime I went online. Imagine my surprise when a chat request popped up out of nowhere. It was Future Lovely Wife, looking to know the answer to the question I had used in place of a tag line in my profile ("If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?"). We chatted, chatted more, emailed, called, called more and eventually fell in cyber love. She came to the USA to visit and we fell in love for real. So how long did it take? About a year and a half after we met but it was love at first sight.

Aaron Spelling shows-horror or heaven?

Hart to Hart was ridiculous but entertaining. TJ Hooker was hillarious, though it wasn't intended as such. Seventh Heaven is one of my current guilty pleasures. The rest of his creations are a big steaming pile of crap.

Which blogs are the ones that you must check in on?

Most of the blogs I follow give good RSS so my checking is done for me. My non-RSS must-reads get attention in the morning and that's usually it. Sorry but I'm lazy and busy so unless it's made easy for me I'm just not out there looking for updates.

Helen-to be adored or feared?

Both! Isn't she great? What a woman!

What's with the giant udder?

You'd prefer some wimpy little French udder, I suppose? Actually it ties into the "embarass Lovely Wife" thing. Can't believe I forgot this. My absolute favorite way to annoy Lovely Wife is to be myself. In public. AAAAAAGH! The cow thing was during a visit from Little Bro. I was casually walking towards the cow to check it out and Lovely Wife said something along the lines of "Don't you dare do what I think you're going to do", which of course made me think of what she was thinking I was going to do so I did it. Lil Bro captured the moment for posterity.

Would you say you have an oral fixation?

No. I'm not a pencil chewer and I can't stand gum. Generally the only things that go into my mouth are food products, cigarettes and clitori. And nipples. I love nipples.

Any plans for an encore performance of the Writer's Noose?

Probably not, but maybe. There will be other short stories (I currently owe one about a fairy with pirranha teeth) but the Writer's Noose delivery was pretty unique. I have been thinking about how I could have done it better. You know, things like establishing a real audience before oddities began occuring, a non MuNu domain so clever folks like Susie couldn't tie me to the site, working email addresses for the cast, stuff like that. It's possible that I might redo it "right" but I doubt I will because I already did it once.

Your children are nicknamed after meat products. Burger Queen and Sweet Meat were part of your storyline at Writer's Noose. What's up with the meat, man?

Bacon got his nickname because of bacon. It was the first food he begged for by name. Burger was sabotaged by my world famous "Jimmy Burgers". He's a Jimmy and we'd all been saying Jimmy Burger for years before he was born so he became Jimmy Burger and eventually just Burger. Burger Queen was an initials thing. Becky Q-name. Problem was I couldn't spell or remember the Q-name from one paragraph to the next so she became Becky Longcloud and her heritage moved from Panama to New York State. Sweet Meat is the most embarassing pet name I've ever heard a girl call a guy. Granted it's a compliment but it's not one that a guy lets out and about. That's what I was looking for to show that BQ had personal knowledge on Chuckie. But more than any of that it's because I am as close to a carnivore as you can get while still eating loads of bread and dairy products. I love meat. I could happily eat meat for every meal every day of my life. Beef, pork, chicken, veal, I don't care - as long as it was once chewing grass and producing methane. Excepting Michael Moore, of course.

Do you tan, freckle, or burn?

All three. I'm a mutt but a lot of the Irish came out in me. I'll get a plethora of freckles right away, then a nastybad sunburn. When that heals up I'll end with a decent tan and the freckles aren't quite as noticeable.

What are your thoughts on Munuvian world domination?

It is inevitable. MuNu is an elemental force that must ultimately devour all before it. Like Sally Struthers at a buffet.

Who is the most under-rated blogger you know?

There are a lot who I think should get more attention than they do but the topper is Ryan Rhodes. Consistently witty and entertaining and just an excellent writer. Go check out his blog. It's okay, I'll be here when you come back.

Over-rated?

I was tempted to say me. Hell, I'm just a hack spitting out randomly manufactured anecdotes mixed with vitriolic attacks on modern stupidity and a dash of testosterone laden inuendo for flavoring. And there are 250 visits a day from people coming to look at what I write? Damn, people! Get a life! Then I realized that saying something like this could drastically reduce my traffic so I decided not to.

You have to spend the rest of your life on an island with one person and it can't be your wife. Who is it?

I'd like to say Steve Irwin, or some other outdoorsy-type person who could keep my sorry urbanized ass alive. Unfortunately I'm a horn dog so that would be a lie. I'd probably end up picking Helen or Oprah. With Helen I'd have a fantastic couple of days until starvation pangs set in. With Oprah the sex wouldn't be great but she'd get weak from hunger way before I did so I could kill her and then eat like a king for a month. Sound crazy? I'm serious, it takes a long time for that much meat to rot. Trust me.

What is the most selfless thing anyone ever did for you?

I'm an ingrate so I've probably forgotten the majority of things that people have done for me. Mom helping us out of financial problems was probably the most selfless. The was when we were still in Buffalo and I had a crappy job. With crappy health insurance. We got socked with massive medical bills after Bear was born. Mom helped us out. Mom doesn't have money - this was scrimped and saved over many years and she simply gave it to us to save us from serious financial problems.

Reality TV--would you do it?

Depends. Guaranteed pay-off? Then I'm the whore for you. One of these "who can eat the most worms in five minutes" contest deals where the winner takes all? Um, no thanks. Mess around on the French Riviera for a couple months? Hell yeah. And I wouldn't give a damn if she wasn't really a millionaire either.

If you were God for a day, what would you do?

What wouldn't I do? I've got a complete manifesto waiting for the day this happens. First thing to do would be an announcement that people are SERIOUSLY NOT GETTING THE MESSAGE. Knock off the murder in my name, people! New rule. Anybody who kills anybody in my name goes straight into the eternal shitcan. Don't lay that crap on my doorstep, Gumby. Second thing, where the hell are my virgins? Third thing, another new rule. Fags are cool, leave them alone. That's a rule now, dickwad, not an option! Fourth thing, I'm still waiting for my virgins. All I ask for are virgins with frikken lasers on their heads. What do I pay you people for? What? Oh. God doesn't typically demand virgin sacrifices, you say? Hell, screw this job then.

On a serious note, who really wants virgins? I've got needs and wants that a freshly deflowered maiden is just not going to meet. It should be 72 experienced ladies. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Posted by Jennifer at November 5, 2003 12:00 AM

Tweet