December 30, 2003

It was a Stark and Dormy Night

So you've all heard of the awards for bad literature inspired by the writer who wrote a book beginning "It was a dark and stormy night", right?

The 2003 contest results are here. There are several gems, but this is one of my (many) favorites:

He knew that, at most, he had five seconds left to live, one one-thousand, two one-thousand, the gun barrel pointing at his face like a scolding finger, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, the hired assassin Ricardo's grip tightening on the trigger, five white elephantsS SIX white elephants, and then a bright blast of light as he wondered which was really the most accurate way to count five seconds.

Aw, heck, here's another:

Detective Inspector Mike Norman slipped six fingers into his overcoat pocket, five of them clad in a latex glove and attached to his palm, while the sixth was wrapped in a plastic evidence bag and apparently belonged to the kidnapped pianist Ricardo Moore, or, as it now seemed likely, the kidnapped ex-pianist Ricardo Moore.

I'll stop now before I quote all of them.

Posted by Jennifer at December 30, 2003 07:00 AM


Although Sara could believe the brassiere she had found was from a mix-up at the laundromat, that the lipstick on Bill's collar really had been from a cramped elevator, that the stiletto heel was indeed something the cat dragged in, when she pulled Chloe's unmistakable prosthetic arm from under the bed, she realized she had been played for a fool.


Posted by: Jennifer at December 30, 2003 07:05 AM

Honestly, I could have written sentences that bad--in fact, I probably have....

Posted by: Susie at December 30, 2003 08:08 AM

and these were just from Bill's blog.

Posted by: Pete at December 30, 2003 12:39 PM

I find it troubling that both stories have a Ricardo in them. Do these people harbour represed childhood memories of being forced to watch I Love Lucy marathons?

LUCY! I'M Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooome!!!!

Posted by: Kin at December 31, 2003 02:42 PM