Snooze Button Dreams Interview II

It's the Snooze Button Dreams Interview II!

In the extended...

So you used to have a picture of you sucking on a cow's teets, what happened to that? Bring back the cow teets!
That's "teats". We must always strive to perfection when discussing mammaries.

That picture is still there. Shortly after its removal I was threatened with bodily harm, or at least ridicule and a drop-off in traffic, if I didn't make the cow pic available. Just look in the (cleverly disguised) "About Me" section of my sidebar for the "Got Mu" link. It's just above the PayPal donate button and Amazon wishlist. Which I'm sure would be more entertaining for you than a silly cow picture.

There's a fire. You can save three other bloggers. Who do you grab?
I guess the first would be me. Just like on a depressurized airplane it's important to put yourself before invalid companions and small children. Oh, wait - you said "other" bloggers. Okay then, first would be Lovely Wife. Not only would she be the easiest to save seeing as we live in the same place and all but she is my wife. Seeing as she's put up with me for years she's more than earned it.

For the rest...jeeze I don't know. The problem is that a lot of the bloggers I read are also my friends; some of them are very dear friends. How do you pick which people in a group of friends are the best, most important, most special, whatever? I sure can't. Rather, I wouldn't voluntarily go through the exercise. Even if I did I wouldn't post the results - that's just way cold.

Salt and vinegar chips-heaven, or form of Satanism?
It depends on the mood. When I'm really super happy and festive and gay, bouncing off the walls in unfettered glee whilst clicking my heels in the air they are a perfect food because they will knock that happy horseshit right out of me faster than narcan. Evil, evil, evil chips.

How's your German? And if your answer is "poor", then when are you gonna' be fluent?
I can swear a little bit and ask for a beer so I would say my German is already fluent. I'm also "fluent" in Spanish, French, Dutch and Tagalog.

What do you value most in a person?
The ability to entertain me. That might sound a bit superficial and me-centric on the face of it but think about it for a moment. Do you have a voluntary relationship with anybody who can't entertain you?

What happened on the weirdest date you ever had?
I took a girl I'd been seeing to the Erie County Fair and we had a fun but incredibly overpriced time. On the way out I had a pocketful of ones left over so I put them all on a game of Keno. I won so suddenly instead of being happy and almost broke I was exultant with something like $500 to blow. We decided to go to Rochester to hook up with and show off my largess with some of her college buddies up there.

We get in my car and the sucker is dead. We got a jump and it was dead. After helpful assistance from some mechanically inclined tailgaters it was still dead. Real dead, as in post-terminal illness dead.

We moped around my dead transport for a while wondering what the hell we were going to do, who we were going to call for a ride, whatever, when one of the guys who had tried to help yelled to me. He pointed to a guy who was pulling a dilapidated winter beater car out of a parking spot. He had one of those "For Sale" signs in his car window. I ran over and flagged him down. I asked him how much he was selling the car for. He said $600. I said I'd give him $500 for it on the spot. He said okay, signed over the title and I put my plates on it. (Yeah, it's illegal. So sue me.)

We decided against the Rochester trip since this vehicle was in very rough shape and since I no longer had any money. As a consolation prize we christened the new vehicle eight ways from Sunday.

Stories like this are hard to believe. It should be, since it's a load of bull. You should have been clued in right at the start when I said I had money left upon leaving the Fair. Nobody gets out of the Erie County Fair with money in their pockets. Nobody.

Anyway, I've never had a wacky date and I didn't want to bore you with some nonsensical answer so I made up that nifty little story just for you. Hope you liked it.

If you had to live in either Alaska or Hawaii, which would you choose?
Is this one of those trick questions? When I say "Well duh...Hawaii" will I be attacked by a gang of hippies or something? I used to live in Little Alaska (Buffalo). I moved to Hawaii Lite (Atlanta). I have not gone insane since then.

Of all your blog projects, which are you the most proud of?
Zero Intelligence. It's a blog dedicated to exposing the myths behind Zero Tolerance policies, educating people about their sources and effects and exposing abuses caused by them. It just turned a year old and I did a summary of visitors and referrals, etc. It was WAY more successful than I had thought and astronomically more successful than I ever dreamed it would be when I first started it up. I'm making an actual difference there and I am helping people in the real world to deal with something that is catastrophically unjust.

What size boobs do you think look best on women?
Well Harv, I pretty much like all of them. Big boobs, little boobs, medium boobs. Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs! Taste great, great for ya!

A lot of guys say that they don't like implants. They say this only in the presence of women and they are lying. That said, unnatural implants are a turn-off. The boobs really do need to match the body. Unnaturally big boobs are cool for the freak show effect but they're not beautiful.

What's the least impressive contest you ever entered and won?
Um... Huh... Hmmm... I honestly can't think of any. I'm not a big contest enterer and off the top of my head I can't think of any I've won except maybe a caption contest or two. So I guess the answer would be "a caption contest". Unfortunately that would also be the answer to a question about the most impressive contest I've ever entered and won.

Are there any bloggers you haven't met yet that you'd really like to?
Pretty much all of them. I'd at least like to meet all of the ones on my blogroll. The people on my blogroll are there because they amuse and/or entertain me - those are definitely the sort of people I'd like to meet.

If you choke a Smurf, what color will he turn?
Doesn't "choke the Smurf" sound like a great euphemism for whacking off?

A year later, are we any closer to Munuvian World Domination?
Absolutely. We've increased our scope and penetration (heh..."penetration") by a magnitude over the past year. All we need to do is continue our geometric growth and we'll control the world in just a few years.

I have $8million US, may I have your bank account number so I can deposit it?
Sorry, I'd love to help you but I've already promised my good friend Mtumbe Gawamba that he would have exclusive access to my accounts.

Do you think it is possible for a truly honest politician to exist?
No. Then again I don't think it is possible for a truly honest human to exist. Whether it is lying by omission or simply being tactful, the philosophy of untruth is an integral part of human behavior. Do I believe it is possible for an essentially honest politician to exist? Yes, but I seriously doubt that any politician in high level politics has been able to retain that quality. Honesty is a progressively heavier burden the further a person rises in politics. It gets replaced by the carefully simulated appearance of honesty in any truly successful politician.

How does "Bear" come by his nickname?
It started as a description: "Momma's teddy bear" or something similar. It changed to "our little bear" about the time he started walking. It became a capitalized name at around his second or third birthday.

Now that Lovely Wife has a blog and everyone knows her name, why do you still call her Lovely Wife?
Because she's still my lovely wife. That's not just something I called her on my blog, it's something I've been calling her for years because she's truly lovely. And my wife.

Do you think Michael Moore has to have a bidet, or do you think he can reach down there?
He doesn't need a bidet. He has a crack team of hippies who take care of that for him.

(Heh. "Crack team". Hehehe.)

Ever been arrested?
Yup. Twice. Once for writing a bad check and once for being an asshole. Oh, wait - I guess both of those were assholish. Somebody who writes a bad check is definitely an asshole. To differentiate, the second one was also for being a moron. A moron asshole you might say.

What is your beverage of choice?
Water, then milk. Damn, I'm such a pansy. I'm supposed to say single malt scotch here, or tequila shooters, or a rich porter so dark that light cannot escape it. Truth is that although I'm very fond of scotch and porter (I could take or leave the tokillya shooters) I would be a miserable SOB without water and milk. That's real milk, by the way. No 2%, no skim, no reduced anything. Just milk. It does a body good, y'know?

Is Trey Givens as dreamy in person as he seems in his photos?
He's even more dreamy than that. He's a man beloved by children and dogs, an intellectual with common sense, he's all that and a bag of chips. Let me put it another way - he's one of less than a handful of people who we would be comfortable leaving our kids with. Although after the midget assault he endured this weekend he might not be too eager to be isolated with our spawn.

Posted by Jennifer at January 24, 2005 01:30 PM

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