April 28, 2005

*I need a fix cause I'm going down

So the blog is officially scuttled. Freedom tastes sweet, my friends. Writing something has no immediate home is a welcome feeling. I decided I should tell my wife that the blog was gone before she found out on her own and went nuts. She has the insane idea that I needed the outlet. That if I didn't have an outlet I might start planning bank heists or researching kinky sexual yoga techniques or something.

So last night as we sat down to victuals, I broke the news.

“I flushed my blog down the shitter,” I said.

“You did what?”

There was a lengthy discussion about how it sapped my lifeblood. I use that a lot. Many things sap my lifeblood. Crowds, talking on the phone, shaving, traffic lights—the list is endless. But it was the truth. The blog had begun to take a toll.

“I’d like to write books too, but that doesn’t mean I want to do the fucking typesetting or the binding work. Or even pull my own weight with regards to appearances and book signings. And I certainly don’t want to clean the shelves in the bookstore after hundreds of flyers advertising penile implants are thrown all over them each night. I’m lazy by nature. Disturbingly so, as you often point out.”

I continued my diatribe and waved my finger around, and once or twice I stabbed it into the air for the sake of drama. And when I felt I’d made my point I paused and took a bite from my slightly burned French bread pizza to wait for the rebuttal.

Unfortunately, it scorched the shit out of my mouth just like those goddamned pizza rolls did a few months ago and I jumped up and danced the jig and started hollering and whatnot, which took all the starch out of my speech. And when all was settled back to normal there a long uncomfortable silence.

“I have other things to do,” I said.

“For instance?”

“Hey, I went out while I was on top, baby. I didn’t stick around like…like…”

“Someone successful?”

I couldn’t really argue that point so I switched gears.

“It’s not like I retired, I’m a consultant now. A creative blog consultant. I’ll be the first one in the industry. Struggling blogs can come to me for creative direction. I’ll do guest spots. I’ll be the Dust Brothers of the blogosphere!”

“Or you could hang that shelf in the upstairs bathroom,” she said, “I'd better make up a list.”

Posted by Paul! at April 28, 2005 08:14 AM


See! That's what happens when you have free time man! The wife, she gets you to DO things... around the house, and clean things, and take over duties, and..

You my friend, are even more screwed than before.

Posted by: Oorgo at April 28, 2005 10:39 AM

I agree with Oorgo. This is going to cost you time, labor and money. With the gas price increases I hope your car is electric so you don't have to lose gas money too with all those trips to the hardware store. Quick, get back to the blog before it's too late.

Posted by: Jackie at April 28, 2005 11:30 AM

What's really redundant about this, is that you keep coming back - Like Freddy and Jason and Ronald Regan, you just won't diiiiee. I mean, shit or get off the pot buddy, because we need closure. We're all here to blog, and we'd love to have you, but you can't float around like some blog nomad giving consulting advice. Which is another thing altogether. Who's going to take consulting advice from the guy who tried to clear his server, only to shit the whole thing up? You're like one of those addicts who says they can quit whenever they want, and yet we see you the next weekend standing in an alleyway slumped over an empty bottle of Wild Irish Rose, singing show tunes into the dumpster. But maybe that's just me. I mean, you 'quit' blogging and had to set up ANOTHER blog to tell everyone. Now you're over here at Jen's blogging about 'quitting' blogging. I mean really, you just did it for the material didn't you?

Posted by: shank at April 28, 2005 12:11 PM

Wow Shank, that was cold.

But he does have a point. How are we to know where you are floating around to? It's not like you have a blog roll stating where your next appearance will be.

We're like a bunch of chicks that you keep stringing along. We're here for your pleasure and convenience. I feel so used. Are you suddenly fearing committment? Is this it, are we really done, over? Being a blog reader whose favorite blogs are all going to hell, I need to now make a life and move along. You were my first blog and I'll always have a place in my heart, blah, blah, blah. Yes... we need closure.

Posted by: Jackie at April 28, 2005 12:53 PM

Ah, Shank.

I don’t keep coming back; I never left. I said I quit the blog, and sure enough, it’s pushing up daises. It is deceased. Nailed to the perch, so to speak. And, on the contrary, I can float around like a blog nomad giving consulting advice. I don’t give technical advice, which is beyond the scope of my knowledge. Again, never quit blogging―just quit the blog. There are no redundancies.

Now, I’m going to give you this one pro bono, so pay attention:

It’s a pretty good comment, because even though you’re thoroughly confused, you used a skillful combination of humor and implied indignance, which is generally accepted as the mark of an educated man. The ‘Wild Irish Rose and the singing into the dumpster’ bit was a standout. You combined a relatively obscure booze reference with a ‘bum singing show tunes,’ and that scores pretty high. Great mental imagery, finely adapted to this medium. It was accomplished with gusto. I’d have to take off a few points for using CAPS for emphasis, but on the whole pretty good.

Overall Score: 7.9

Now go get you’re fucking shinebox.

Posted by: Paul at April 28, 2005 12:56 PM

Just for dropping the hallowed Goodfellas line, I can only say this in reply: Whoa. I don't believe what I'm hearing. Check out the balls on this kid.

But you know bro, couldn't let you leave without slamming the door on your ass and all. I'll keep some JW in the cabinet if you ever want to guest post.

Posted by: shank at April 28, 2005 01:18 PM

Well, Jackie makes a good point.

I don’t want to string you along, my dear. That’s not my style. Hence, in all seriousness, I offer this:

For reasons beyond my control, I can no longer have a blog. Trust me, the reasons are valid. With that said, I was forced to close up shop. It wasn’t an easy thing to do, to pull the plug on that thing, because I’ve had a love/hate relationship with it over the years. Many memories, many friends. Believe me when I tell you I miss it already.

I’d hate to give you closure, because that means I would have to face it myself, which I am reluctant to do. But I suppose I must.

I will continue to blog, thanks to some very good friends I’ve made, but the posts will be far and few. I’ve never been a fan of people who take advantage of other’s generosity and I certainly won’t become one of them. Sure, I’m liable to turn up here or there on occasion, but for the most part I’ll be reading blogs, not writing them. I’m sorry it’s come down to this, but all things must pass.

Cue orchestra--

Posted by: Paul at April 28, 2005 01:24 PM