May 09, 2005

Lone Tree on the Prairie Interview

It's the Lone Tree on the Prairie Interview!

First things first...what's the deal with Wind Rider? Like, why isn't he
blogging? And how do you know him? And why do you admit you know him?

WR got a promotion at work and they're keeping him rather busy lately. I've
known him since I served with him in the Air Force in 1990. We became good
friends over the years sharing car and house projects. All in all, he's a
pretty good guy.

Where can we see pictures of you to compare and contrast your attractiveness
with the afore-mentioned Wind Rider?

Which middle aged balding guy is hotter? You people are sick. Close your account. Turn off the computer and go out and get some fresh air.
Meet real people.

This is an older picture. Try to find us. We're both there.

The last question about Wind Rider--is he at all discerning when it comes to
women, or does he hit on any fake-boobed floozy who crosses his path? I ask
because, you know, I've heard rumors.

He and I have different tastes in women. I tried running this through his publicist, but I didn't get a response. That said, there was this time when we were wandering around the World Freefall Convention and it was most stressful. We were trying to enjoy the free beer but the local constabulary was keeping a close watch on us due to one of my personal associations. We stopped in the main bar tent to refresh our cups and if he did something like lower his standards in order to blow off a little steam, well it could have happened.

You've served in the USAF. You apparently have something to do with
motorcycles. I seem to remember something about consulting. What do you
*do*, exactly?

I served in the USAF. I had a go at owning my own small repair shop. I worked
as a sales/training consultant for a bit. Now, I'm on 'sabbatical'. I'm taking
a break, being a house-husband, working on my house and my bikes (which have
been sorely neglected for three years), and sending out resumes.

It seems that nicknaming your wife "evilwife" would be dangerous to your
health and happiness. What say you?

She came up with it. She IS an attorney, you know. What could be more evil?
She wanted to post a comment (as opposed to just slapping me in private, you
know) on blogger and didn't want to do it anonymously so she registered as
evilwife. You have to look at it from a certain perspective as well. One guy
at work used to ask silly questions like "Who do you think is smarter, Matt or
his wife?" Well, duh. She married me, that definitely makes me smarter. In
this case if you were to ask who is more evil, would it be Mr. Evil or the woman who wants to be married to Mr. Evil? Any woman who does not want to be married to
Mr. Evil simply cannot reasonably claim equivalent evil status.

Tell us your thoughts on "Star Wars". Do your nipples harden when you see
the new previews, or could you not care less?

Natalie Portman definitely does it for me. Although, she hasn't worn anything
like the outfit her 'daughter' put on for Jabba the Hutt in Chapter 6. Wow,
that could be some hot mother-daughter-geek fan action (he says while going to
get out the special edition personally autographed boxed dvd set he got at the
last con where he got to shake Carrie Fisher's hand and hasn't washed it since
even though he got a sliver and it's really infected and might fall off and
...). Yeah, NP definitely gets my nipples hard. She makes me feel all warm and
fuzzy inside, kind of like an ewok but definitely not in a cute wholesomey
goodness running naked through the forest kind of way.

I demand to know about your tattoos. What and where?

Oh, you're new here. I don't do demands (although the sentry one day who told
me to turn around and put my hands on my head as he racked the charging handle
on his M-16 was quite convincing). The way to find out is to start kissing
gently on my neck right behind an ear (no, it doesn't matter which side just
pick one and get to it) and maybe nibbling a little too. We'll talk (well
actually, hopefully there won't be much talking ... ) after that.

What's the story with all the links in your posts? Come up with that idea
yourself, did you?

Actually, no. I don't have any original ideas. When I started doing the blog,
Don just started sending me email with bunches
of silly disconnected links in them and the idea was to try to make a funny
story around them. So, I've just kind of run with it. Sometimes the links tell
the real story, sometimes they're there just for fun. But it was really Don's

Do you think people follow the links in your posts, or do you accept the fact
that internet readers generally have the attention span of gnats?

Sometimes they do. Gnats, huh? That's being generous. I'm not even a link
follower. I just put them in for added (hell, it's already free) entertainment
value. Sometimes I put in a link or two that I know only one or two people will
even get the joke behind so I guess it doesn't really matter if folks follow
them or not.

Do you think "gnats" was the best possible example I could have used in the
previous question?

Well, gnats can be coerced. Ever left a watermelon rind out on a hot summer
day? If you had said 'hyperactive 6 year old male' that might have been more

So are you an Illinois lifer or what?

I probably am only because I hate the process of moving. I have a house. My
stuff is in it. Why should I leave? Now perhaps if I were to come home and
find all my stuff no longer in the house, I might take the hint. But until then,
I'm staying.

Do you think Chicagoans who have never set foot south of Joliet should be
allowed to call themselves Illini?

Why not? Their politics run the whole state anyway. Heck, our governor doesn't
even come south of Joliet unless there's something going on down here he thinks
he can take credit for. Besides, southern Illinois really should be annexed by
Kentucky. They could double their own population and have a 35% increase in the
number of teeth per capita at the same time.

Pekin, Illinois--scary?

I've never been. I've been to Peoria and wasn't exactly thrilled but I never
had the need to get as far off the beaten path as Pekin. Besides, how bad could
it really be? If you go east you've got Gary, IN, and if you go SW there's East
St. Louis. How's that for perspective?

Do favor us with your deepest thoughts on water balloons.

We were over in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, just after Desert Storm. It was hot as
deserts are wont to be. Our unit was having an ice cream social on the roof of
Chief Wheeler's villa. Weeeellll, somebody thought it would be funny to bombard
the event with water balloons launched from one of those big elastic launchers.
So I stole the Chief's keys and locked everyone up on the roof. We had fire
teams on two adjoining rooftops who lobbed them in from nearby and then I was
down in the park about 50 yards away with Capt. Ramos and Sgt. Schwartz and we
were lobbing them up to the roof with the launcher. The only problem was the
launcher was too strong and we weren't well trained in its proper use so we kept
sending them over the roof and not actually landing any on it. We changed
tactics and started trying to break them on the edge of the wall to see if we
could just splash people but right as one went zipping over the edge, the Chief
stuck his head up. And that's how he got a black eye and bloody lip.

When I was a little boy, my dad used to keep a box of them in his dresser drawer
and they were the best. They even had a wide opening so they were much easier
to get on and off the hose spigot. Unfortunately, sometimes they were the slimy
kind and would just slide off my brothers' faces instead of breaking.

We used to get the same kind for free from the Air Force clinic but those always
had little holes in them or they broke too easily.

Did you ever have a tire swing, and how do you think the having or the
lacking affected your development?

I have never had a tire swing. Is that what's wrong with me? We had a rope
swing that we used to go flying off of into White Rock Creek in Dallas but never
a tire. When we first bought our house in Omaha in '91 there was a tractor tire
half buried in the front yard with a single rose bush growing in it. Someone
had even painted it white. And there was a cast iron bath tub/fish pond in the
back yard.

Would this image be improved with a tire swing?

Then how would one make my life better?

What's the dumbest thing anyone ever asked you?

My Chinese History Professor, "You haven't done your thesis but you're supposed
to graduate. There's no time for you to still get it done and me to turn your
grade in before degree work has to be tallied. If I give you credit for class
participation, the one book report and the other two assignments you did, I can
still give you an A and we'll forget about the thesis. Would that be okay?"

Posted by Jennifer at May 9, 2005 12:05 PM


Well, first off, there was no steam, and certainly no blowing. And why he gives me crap about that when her husband and father were standing right there during the entire episode, I have absolutely no idea.

Although somewhat out of character, I think Matt was miffed she didn't ask his opinion of her boob job and tummy tuck.

Posted by: Wind Rider at May 9, 2005 05:41 PM

He lives!

Posted by: Jennifer at May 9, 2005 07:20 PM

Morals and Standards, my friend. None of the first, too many of the latter. But you knew that.

Posted by: prairie biker at May 9, 2005 10:32 PM

Ok now tell us the real reason you won't use your skills as a cunning linguist and fill out that FBI application I keep trying to get you to submit????? Are you really Sonny Barger's love child?


Posted by: chuck at May 11, 2005 04:12 PM